The Land of Enchantment

Here are the photos from our Spring Break trip. Had a wonderful time with my mom and Peanut, visiting old friends and bonding with my camera. I'm not afraid of the camera anymore! Still have much to learn though... I've put these in random order. Captions will come another time.

Hot Cars and Kisses

Weird does not even describe the dreams I've had this past week.

Monday night the dream was about my car, Sally. I dreamt that I traded her in for what I thought was a newer model and it turned out to be older and with 95,000 miles!

Tuesday night (or possibly Wednesday morning) I had people coming and going from my house for no particular reason...and then Matt Damon was carrying down a big TV from upstairs. I helped him with it and then we kissed each other. Love his work, but don't particularly find him attractive so it was very odd that he'd be in a dream. The kiss was really good though. Normally my dream kisses are just terrible, all of them have been terrible except this one and one other...hmmmmm? Ever see the movie "Never Been Kissed?" It was like that kiss in the end between Michael Vartan's character and Drew B's character. He just walks right up to her and takes that kiss! Hands down, my favorite movie kiss. Darn! Would have loved to have kissed Michael V in my dream.

Last night I had a dream that Peanut was with me and we had just parked my car in our garage. We were coming from a rummage sale at Mimi and Paw Paw's house. I scored a major find with one of those desks like we had in grade school! I know, odd. So I go out to get it from the car (which I forgot to lock in my dream) and my car is gone! Stolen!

Why am I having so many dreams about Sally?

And just what does that kiss really mean?

Stay tuned for another episode of hot cars and yummy kisses.

Star Student

This is what I made. This beautiful, lovable, friendly, outgoing, smart, inquisitive, curious little girl. We give each other so much.

She's the "Star Student" of her class this week...but she's my star every day.

That Much Needed Hug

I saw you in my dreams last night. We almost passed each other, but I called out to you. You turned around and looked at me like you didn't know what to do next. So I hugged you as tightly as I could...and you hugged me back as much as you were able (which now feels okay). No words said.

Took a short hike this morning and sat at the foothills of the mountains. I tried to feel that again, that much needed hug, one last time. I walked back feeling a bit lighter.

Letter to Joy Joy

I try to write directly to the people I know are actually reading my blog. Not hard to do since there are only about a handful! Today I have a grieving friend and I'm sorry I'm not in town to be there for her. So here is my letter...

Dear Joy Joy,

I felt very sad after we spoke this morning. A thought for you regarding our conversation...Your mom knows how much you love her even if you think you didn't always show it. She knows. That's part of being a mother. That kind of love is unspoken. I'm sorry that you're losing her. I am thinking of you, my friend.

Love you!
Stephanie

Lantana Season

Greetings from Albuquerque! Peanut and I are on Spring Break visiting Nana. If my photos actually come out (I'm using the D100) I will post them.

Peanut is sleeping and I finally have some time to sit down and write. It is good to be here. Some unexpected and wonderful memories are coming back to me. Some from recent trips and some from years ago. I'm going to keep those memories to myself...almost too perfect to share.

A couple of weekends ago I was in pretty bad shape. Spent the whole weekend crying or in bed or both...it was pitiful and scary for me. Grief that just felt like it came out of nowhere. Some Brian related, some Russell related, and then everything in-between. I couldn't even bring myself to reach out to anyone. I canceled plans at the last minute and just wept in bed on Sunday.

Monday I called and made an appointment to talk to Susan. It felt good to unload. Realized that it was natural for me to feel the way I did. New grief apparently can bring back old grief (who knew!)...and I've had a lot of loss in the last 8 months (Including not having my Thursday night group). So I wept a little more and then it started to subside. Comfort, I found comfort in knowing there's nothing "wrong" with me...I'm supposed to feel this way...and hopefully only for a little bit longer.

Reached out to those people who are currently in my life. Reached out to a friend that I've had for 20 years...as it turned out, he needed a friend even more than I did...the timing was just right. There's a validation in knowing that you were and always will be meaningful to someone...that years can pass yet you still are connected enough to be there at just the right time. I wonder... if you see someone as a "reason" person in your life, but they are your "reason" person off and on over several years...do they end up being a "lifetime" person? Or are they more "seasonal"...like the lantana in the flower pot by my front door...I've had it for eight years...and it comes back and flowers every year...even when I think it won't.

Special

Earlier this week I brought Peanut to my office. It was after I picked her up from school. There's much to be said about your co-workers watching your child grow up. Felt a lot of pride this particular time. Peanut was her usually talkative self only this time she didn't need a warm-up period. She wanted to go room by room and say hello to everyone (my friends as she calls them...and some of them are). I have to say that everyone who saw her Monday has said something to me about her. The biggest compliment made by several people is how happy she is. Warms my heart to be able to say, "Yes, she's happy all the time." Knowing this makes our relationship all the more special.

Sure

Apparently "sure" is the new "okay"...Maybe I never noticed this before, but an awful lot of friends are saying "sure" when they acknowledge something you say rather than "okay".

Not sure if I really like this, "but like, actually...I'm so sure!"

Welcome Back Squash

It's official...I'm the "cat lady"...ughhh.

Russell called Joy Joy to tell her that he'd be bringing Squash to her (so she could bring him to me). He couldn't handle bringing him to me, so this was just easier. If my dad and Cheeto weren't in town visiting I think I would have had a much harder time with this...cried, of course, but dusted myself off...

I now have three cats! Squash, Percy and Buddy...yipes! Buddy is a "loaner" cat, so he'll be eventually going back to Sandi. Surprisingly they are getting along pretty well and nighttime has been overall peaceful. Whew!

Squash is a funny little dude. He drinks water from the tap, hangs over the tub when Peanut takes a bath, chases the plastic milk rings around the house and plays fetch. He hangs over furniture and countertops in a way that makes him look like a bear rug, and drops toys in his food dish. Overall a very "doggish cat".

I keep asking him to tell me about how Russell is doing, but so far he hasn't given anything up from his "bachelor days" with Russell. Oh well.

A Much Needed Fun Night Out

Went with my friend Tracy to see Pauly Shore at the Improv. I needed a good laugh and a night out. We had a great time. He was good and I really thought the guy who opened for him was hysterical. I'll admit it, I like Pauly Shore movies. They're great on Saturday or Sunday afternoons when you're crashing on the couch.

My Funny Valentine

At first I didn't even see him in the pile!

Okay, so I spent Valentine's Day alone. All in all it pretty much sucked, but I did get a nap in and pampered my body. Percy and Bud Bud were my valentines. They were pretty easy, all I had to do was feed them...actually withholding the food makes them more affectionate...but I didn't tease them for long.

I was making piles of laundry to do and had my clothes in a heap on my bedroom floor. Big Bad Bud Bud decided the liked to burrow in the laundry. Not exactly the sexy valentine photos I had hoped to be taking, but he was my funny valentine!

My Daughter the Elephant

I was driving Peanut back to Robert D's house after ballet this morning. She asked me who named Barkley and I told her that I did. Then I told her I picked the name out because it was easy to remember (dogs bark). Then I told her about her rattle named "Chickee" that she just loved and she asked me if we still had it and if I was going to give it to her cousin, "Sprout". I said of course not and that I was saving it in a box of special baby things. Then she said that was good and that I should not give away the pool ball. Pool ball? Had no clue what she was talking about so I asked her to explain, ...she said, "Awe come on mom, you know what I'm talking about". First, she sounded so adult and second, how she ever remembered that this tiny squishy ball was in a tub of toys going to Sprout is beyond me. My daughter, the elephant, never forgets...only she did forget that she maybe played with this ball ONCE! Yes, I find it funny that I'm saying she's an elephant when her nickname is Peanut.

The Little One

Called Peanut tonight to wish her a goodnight as I often do on the nights I don't have her with me. I love the age she's at because she talks more now. She didn't have school today because of the snow we had yesterday, so they'll have to do their Valentine's Day party on Tuesday (no school Monday, lucky girl!). I pick her up Saturday mornings for ballet (when it's not my weekend). I asked her if she was ready to dance tomorrow and she said, "No, mommy, I'm ready to see you." Big joy always comes from my little one.

That Thursday Night

My last group session was very emotional. It started out a typical Thursday session and then we got to the good-bye's. I got to say what each person meant to me and vice versa. I'd done this before when other group members have left, so I knew what to expect...but I still felt ill-prepared. It's amazing to describe how much a person means to you when they're right there in front of you. The eye contact is so intense and the emotions so genuine. I was told by one group member that he used to see the crying I've done in group as a sign of weakness, but he realized that from that crying came a lot of strength and courage. Another expressed that I was the heart and soul of the group. Not a word was spoken that didn't warm my heart and I hope the feelings I expressed did the same. Susan was last to say good-bye. She said that she was honored to be my Thursday Mom and that I should always remind myself that I'm irreplaceable. That comment was the most meaningful of all as I've spent almost my whole life and probably every relationship trying to feel that very thing...irreplaceable.

I'll carry the events of that Thursday night with me...a silent companion for my future.

Thank You, Nadine!

Thank you, Nadine, for all the kind emails you send me. Thank you for keeping in contact like you do. If only Alaska were around the corner...


You are my best friend.
D-Love,
Stephanie

Trusty Blog

Ahhhh! My Trusty Blog, I am back and I've missed you. Must work now, but I will catch up with you later. It's been a long couple of weeks.

My Masterpiece

Next week will be my last Thursday night session with my group. It's been three years of "family time" that I can count on. Last month I decided it was time to leave. Everything in my life was coming together, so it just felt like time. Not two or three days after that I took an unexpected nose-dive emotionally and questioned whether I was ready. Had I really come as far as I thought? It was a long month with more downs than ups. After this past weekend I was sure I wasn't ready...and then I felt a most surprising shift...it was in the midst of really sad news...news that the old me would have felt devastation over for months and months...news that would have at one time in my life set me so far back you'd think I hadn't changed a bit. I dealt with only the current situation. I saw it from both sides and felt the pain the other person was going through. I made my needs and wants known. I cried, and lifted my head again. I'm not sure how this chapter in my life will play out and I still carry hope.

I expected to walk into last night's session a basket case in need of one big box of tissues...I wasn't. People greeted me tentatively, not wanting to set the tears in motion...they didn't. I talked about my feelings with as much depth as I usually do...only it didn't swallow me up...

Without asking for it Susan gave me a, "You're going to be just fine...and we're going to miss you".

I wouldn't call next Thursday's session a graduation from therapy, it's not...you're never "done"...I'll carry the last three years with me forever...a masterpiece of emotions that is never quite finished.

All for One and One for Peanut

It is college week at Peanut's elementary school. This past weekend we went through all of the events for this week and talked about college. From what Peanut knows about college she has already decided that she'll only go if she can live at home still. She's been saying this for quite a while and I think I need to get it on video as proof! Anyway, back to this weekend...she's been watching the movie Barbie and the Three Musketeers quite a bit lately...she is so into it that she trains to be a musketeer (mostly by using a sash as a ribbon that knocks things over in the house). When I asked her what she wanted to study in college she said, "Musketeer". Then I asked her what kinds of things she'd need to learn in order to be a Musketeer and I got "How to protect the king by using ribbons, perfume and fans. You know, mom, Musketeers do not use knives, swords or guns". Told her she'd also need to learn to be an acrobat, how to sew (costumes) , fine literature, and math. Sandi came over this weekend (R.I.P. Sister Kitty!) and she tried to enlist her to train with her. Sunday night Peanut asked me if there were any colleges that could teach her how to be a musketeer. I seized the opportunity and told her that if there were they would probably be in another city and she'd have to go to school in a different city or town than here...to which she replied, "Or you and dad could just move where I go"...Why didn't I think of that?

Yesterday was dress up in what you want to be when you graduate college. I forgot all about it. Ten minutes before we were supposed to leave for school she tells me that she's not wearing anything in the pile of choices that I gave her because she's supposed to wear a career outfit. I said, "Okay, wanna wear your Doctor's coat?"...."Mom! That's boring. I am going to go as a Musketeer". Told her there was no way I could put a costume together and that she needed to get dressed, brush her teeth and go to the bathroom...followed by a few swear words on my part (getting her out the door in the morning is stressful enough as it is because we have a bit of a drive!). She was insistent. I caved. Picked out a pair of pink leggings and a long sleeved pink shirt that had a princess cameo in the middle. She had a dark pink hat that was from Easter that she's been wearing when she "trains", so she wore that too...I tried to put a sash on her, but she insisted that she HAD to wear a cape. Aaaakkkkk!!!!!...a few more swear words came out of my mouth which I do not wish to repeat. Found a piece of leftover pink tulle in her Princess Closet and cut it to make a cape. Put her pink boots on because "Musketeers always wear boots"

We got to school with less than 5 minutes to spare.

Yes, she was the only kid in school to be dressed as a Musketeer.

I am tickled by her imagination, but it wears me out!

Facebooked a brief version of this story yesterday and asked if anyone knew of a school she could go to...a very clever high school friend replied..."University of Virginia"...the Cavaliers!

Giggle

And no, I did not get a picture...we were too rushed. :(

Happiness Is...

The first Cadbury Egg of the season.

Unbroken

This is a poem that my mom sent me. It is in the book called "Evidence Poems" by Mary Oliver

"Broken, Unbroken"

The lonely stand in the dark corners of their hearts
I have seen them
in the cities,
and in my own neighborhood,
nor could I touch them
with the magic
that they crave
to be unbroken
then I myself,
lonely,
said hello
to good fortune.
Someone
came along
and lingered
and little by little
became everything
that makes the difference.
Oh, I wish such good luck
to everyone.
How beautiful it is
to be unbroken.

Life is amazing when you come out of that dark corner of your heart. Thank you, mom! She sent this to me at a time when I really needed it. It helped me realize that I am no longer broken.