"My Boobies, My Legs and My Tushy Buns"

When Peanut was about two she started asking to "go downstairs with her boobies"...this was always after I gave her a bath and was about to put her pajamas on and take her downstairs. She didn't want her top on. Of course I obliged because kids need bare bare time. Then one evening she said, "I want to go downstairs with my boobies, my legs and my tushy buns". This, of course meant she wanted to be naked. This is one of my favorite stories to tell her because it was always such a fun time (once I actually got her out of the bath and dried off)...and it brings out the giggles.

I've had horrendous night sweats recently. The kind where I wake up at 3am soaked and freezing. I end up changing my clothes and sometimes changing the sheets. Even my legs sweat!  I'm going to my OB-GYN for a tune up in the next week. I am not sure if this sweating is due to the anti-depressant I take or pre-menopause (Oh the horror!!!!). My hormones just feel out of whack.

I am trying different things at night while I wait for my appointment. Last night I went to bed (alone) with my boobies, my feet and my legs...no night sweats! That's rare, and I woke up smiling for a change. Peanut was definitely on to something way back when.

Si, Se Puede!

Yes, it is possible

Yes we can

Yes, it can be done

Si, Se Puede!

Participated in the Mega March 2010 in downtown Dallas this weekend. Wasn't my "weekend" with Peanut, but Robert D let her come along. Tricia from my office also joined us (originally it was just going to be Tricia and me).

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the new law just passed in Arizona. Will probably take me a while to put it to words, but basically, that new law just scares me and I think it's a giant step backward for our country.

At any rate, the march was a very powerful experience. We arrived fairly early. The rush of stepping into the crowd to wait for the march to begin was very emotional and my eyes welled up with tears. We made many friends while waiting to start the march. One family in particular (dad, mom and three kids). The dad and the eldest child were getting the crowd going with cheers. They offered us an umbrella to stay cool and were so nice to talk to. While we were walking, there was a woman next to us who turned to Tricia and me to thank us for being there. Blew me away because I don't look at it as something I should be thanked for. I want my child to grow up knowing that sometimes the laws aren't fair and that she has the power to do something about it (even if it's by marching to make a statement).

Si, se puede! We all can do it.

"I knew her when..."

Peanut has had some trouble in school with concentrating, specifically when it comes to her computer assignments. Her teacher mentioned that she would often bother other students when she didn't know what folder to get into on the computer to do her work. This was actually causing Peanut some anxiety. We kept hearing how computers were dumb and that she hated computers. Yesterday morning it was particularly bad and I could feel her anxiety over it (it was her day to do computer work at school). She was almost in tears on the way to school. I gave her words of encouragement before she got out of the car, but just felt so badly for her. I emailed her teacher to ask if there's something we could do to help her re-direct her focus and to ask if she noticed any other problems. She sent me this very thoughtful email back about how her focus was getting a little better, but she was still having trouble getting into the computer assignments. She said that yesterday she actually did a great job getting into it and was heavily praised.

And here's what she wrote that made me quite emotional:

"She did a great job yesterday with one of her papers (got it done within the specified time without dazing or telling stories to her table mates) and I really praised her for that. I want her to see how important that is and how proud of her I am when she can do that. I have seen a little more effort lately, so hopefully we are headed in the right direction. She has such a powerful imagination. I don't want to squander that, but she does need to learn how to control her thoughts so she can focus on directions and details. Someday she'll be an amazing author or actor or producer and I'll be able to say I knew her when."

Remember When You Could Get Screwballs for a Dime?

Picked Peanut up from school yesterday and headed over to "The Castle Park" (her name for the park). The weather was beautiful. To be honest, I was in it for the ice cream. They have these Popsicle thingy's that are shaped like Pink Panther, or Dora, Ninja Turtle, etc...and they taste amazing. I actually looked them up on-line to see if they carry them in any stores...they don't. You have to be a vendor to buy them. They call them "Impulse Buys"...(that's what they told me in an email). Darn. I wish my brother Erik had become the ice cream man like he said he was going to be when he was young. Speaking of the ice cream man, our neighborhood ICM growing up was named Poncho. Don't ask me how I remember this from 30+ years ago, but I do. I remember paying $0.10 for a Screwball ice cream! I also remember when my mom gave us a quarter for two Screwballs and Poncho only gave us one...the price had gone up to $0.25. We argued over who would get the Screwball...my mom stuck it in the freezer. Case closed. Poncho was nice. If you told him about something good that happened to you or a good story he'd sometimes give you free candy. And while I'm remembering names, our mailman's name was Paul. Great, big guy...bald, glasses, always sweating.

I have no clue now what my mailman's name is or the ice-cream man for that matter...but I remember when you could get Screwballs for a dime. Hmmmm...................

PS- The park was awesome. What a nice way to spend the afternoon...and we left without incident (which I heavily praised her for).

The Land of Enchantment

Here are the photos from our Spring Break trip. Had a wonderful time with my mom and Peanut, visiting old friends and bonding with my camera. I'm not afraid of the camera anymore! Still have much to learn though... I've put these in random order. Captions will come another time.

Hot Cars and Kisses

Weird does not even describe the dreams I've had this past week.

Monday night the dream was about my car, Sally. I dreamt that I traded her in for what I thought was a newer model and it turned out to be older and with 95,000 miles!

Tuesday night (or possibly Wednesday morning) I had people coming and going from my house for no particular reason...and then Matt Damon was carrying down a big TV from upstairs. I helped him with it and then we kissed each other. Love his work, but don't particularly find him attractive so it was very odd that he'd be in a dream. The kiss was really good though. Normally my dream kisses are just terrible, all of them have been terrible except this one and one other...hmmmmm? Ever see the movie "Never Been Kissed?" It was like that kiss in the end between Michael Vartan's character and Drew B's character. He just walks right up to her and takes that kiss! Hands down, my favorite movie kiss. Darn! Would have loved to have kissed Michael V in my dream.

Last night I had a dream that Peanut was with me and we had just parked my car in our garage. We were coming from a rummage sale at Mimi and Paw Paw's house. I scored a major find with one of those desks like we had in grade school! I know, odd. So I go out to get it from the car (which I forgot to lock in my dream) and my car is gone! Stolen!

Why am I having so many dreams about Sally?

And just what does that kiss really mean?

Stay tuned for another episode of hot cars and yummy kisses.

Star Student

This is what I made. This beautiful, lovable, friendly, outgoing, smart, inquisitive, curious little girl. We give each other so much.

She's the "Star Student" of her class this week...but she's my star every day.

That Much Needed Hug

I saw you in my dreams last night. We almost passed each other, but I called out to you. You turned around and looked at me like you didn't know what to do next. So I hugged you as tightly as I could...and you hugged me back as much as you were able (which now feels okay). No words said.

Took a short hike this morning and sat at the foothills of the mountains. I tried to feel that again, that much needed hug, one last time. I walked back feeling a bit lighter.

Letter to Joy Joy

I try to write directly to the people I know are actually reading my blog. Not hard to do since there are only about a handful! Today I have a grieving friend and I'm sorry I'm not in town to be there for her. So here is my letter...

Dear Joy Joy,

I felt very sad after we spoke this morning. A thought for you regarding our conversation...Your mom knows how much you love her even if you think you didn't always show it. She knows. That's part of being a mother. That kind of love is unspoken. I'm sorry that you're losing her. I am thinking of you, my friend.

Love you!
Stephanie

Lantana Season

Greetings from Albuquerque! Peanut and I are on Spring Break visiting Nana. If my photos actually come out (I'm using the D100) I will post them.

Peanut is sleeping and I finally have some time to sit down and write. It is good to be here. Some unexpected and wonderful memories are coming back to me. Some from recent trips and some from years ago. I'm going to keep those memories to myself...almost too perfect to share.

A couple of weekends ago I was in pretty bad shape. Spent the whole weekend crying or in bed or both...it was pitiful and scary for me. Grief that just felt like it came out of nowhere. Some Brian related, some Russell related, and then everything in-between. I couldn't even bring myself to reach out to anyone. I canceled plans at the last minute and just wept in bed on Sunday.

Monday I called and made an appointment to talk to Susan. It felt good to unload. Realized that it was natural for me to feel the way I did. New grief apparently can bring back old grief (who knew!)...and I've had a lot of loss in the last 8 months (Including not having my Thursday night group). So I wept a little more and then it started to subside. Comfort, I found comfort in knowing there's nothing "wrong" with me...I'm supposed to feel this way...and hopefully only for a little bit longer.

Reached out to those people who are currently in my life. Reached out to a friend that I've had for 20 years...as it turned out, he needed a friend even more than I did...the timing was just right. There's a validation in knowing that you were and always will be meaningful to someone...that years can pass yet you still are connected enough to be there at just the right time. I wonder... if you see someone as a "reason" person in your life, but they are your "reason" person off and on over several years...do they end up being a "lifetime" person? Or are they more "seasonal"...like the lantana in the flower pot by my front door...I've had it for eight years...and it comes back and flowers every year...even when I think it won't.

Special

Earlier this week I brought Peanut to my office. It was after I picked her up from school. There's much to be said about your co-workers watching your child grow up. Felt a lot of pride this particular time. Peanut was her usually talkative self only this time she didn't need a warm-up period. She wanted to go room by room and say hello to everyone (my friends as she calls them...and some of them are). I have to say that everyone who saw her Monday has said something to me about her. The biggest compliment made by several people is how happy she is. Warms my heart to be able to say, "Yes, she's happy all the time." Knowing this makes our relationship all the more special.

Sure

Apparently "sure" is the new "okay"...Maybe I never noticed this before, but an awful lot of friends are saying "sure" when they acknowledge something you say rather than "okay".

Not sure if I really like this, "but like, actually...I'm so sure!"

Welcome Back Squash

It's official...I'm the "cat lady"...ughhh.

Russell called Joy Joy to tell her that he'd be bringing Squash to her (so she could bring him to me). He couldn't handle bringing him to me, so this was just easier. If my dad and Cheeto weren't in town visiting I think I would have had a much harder time with this...cried, of course, but dusted myself off...

I now have three cats! Squash, Percy and Buddy...yipes! Buddy is a "loaner" cat, so he'll be eventually going back to Sandi. Surprisingly they are getting along pretty well and nighttime has been overall peaceful. Whew!

Squash is a funny little dude. He drinks water from the tap, hangs over the tub when Peanut takes a bath, chases the plastic milk rings around the house and plays fetch. He hangs over furniture and countertops in a way that makes him look like a bear rug, and drops toys in his food dish. Overall a very "doggish cat".

I keep asking him to tell me about how Russell is doing, but so far he hasn't given anything up from his "bachelor days" with Russell. Oh well.

A Much Needed Fun Night Out

Went with my friend Tracy to see Pauly Shore at the Improv. I needed a good laugh and a night out. We had a great time. He was good and I really thought the guy who opened for him was hysterical. I'll admit it, I like Pauly Shore movies. They're great on Saturday or Sunday afternoons when you're crashing on the couch.

My Funny Valentine

At first I didn't even see him in the pile!

Okay, so I spent Valentine's Day alone. All in all it pretty much sucked, but I did get a nap in and pampered my body. Percy and Bud Bud were my valentines. They were pretty easy, all I had to do was feed them...actually withholding the food makes them more affectionate...but I didn't tease them for long.

I was making piles of laundry to do and had my clothes in a heap on my bedroom floor. Big Bad Bud Bud decided the liked to burrow in the laundry. Not exactly the sexy valentine photos I had hoped to be taking, but he was my funny valentine!

My Daughter the Elephant

I was driving Peanut back to Robert D's house after ballet this morning. She asked me who named Barkley and I told her that I did. Then I told her I picked the name out because it was easy to remember (dogs bark). Then I told her about her rattle named "Chickee" that she just loved and she asked me if we still had it and if I was going to give it to her cousin, "Sprout". I said of course not and that I was saving it in a box of special baby things. Then she said that was good and that I should not give away the pool ball. Pool ball? Had no clue what she was talking about so I asked her to explain, ...she said, "Awe come on mom, you know what I'm talking about". First, she sounded so adult and second, how she ever remembered that this tiny squishy ball was in a tub of toys going to Sprout is beyond me. My daughter, the elephant, never forgets...only she did forget that she maybe played with this ball ONCE! Yes, I find it funny that I'm saying she's an elephant when her nickname is Peanut.

The Little One

Called Peanut tonight to wish her a goodnight as I often do on the nights I don't have her with me. I love the age she's at because she talks more now. She didn't have school today because of the snow we had yesterday, so they'll have to do their Valentine's Day party on Tuesday (no school Monday, lucky girl!). I pick her up Saturday mornings for ballet (when it's not my weekend). I asked her if she was ready to dance tomorrow and she said, "No, mommy, I'm ready to see you." Big joy always comes from my little one.

That Thursday Night

My last group session was very emotional. It started out a typical Thursday session and then we got to the good-bye's. I got to say what each person meant to me and vice versa. I'd done this before when other group members have left, so I knew what to expect...but I still felt ill-prepared. It's amazing to describe how much a person means to you when they're right there in front of you. The eye contact is so intense and the emotions so genuine. I was told by one group member that he used to see the crying I've done in group as a sign of weakness, but he realized that from that crying came a lot of strength and courage. Another expressed that I was the heart and soul of the group. Not a word was spoken that didn't warm my heart and I hope the feelings I expressed did the same. Susan was last to say good-bye. She said that she was honored to be my Thursday Mom and that I should always remind myself that I'm irreplaceable. That comment was the most meaningful of all as I've spent almost my whole life and probably every relationship trying to feel that very thing...irreplaceable.

I'll carry the events of that Thursday night with me...a silent companion for my future.

Thank You, Nadine!

Thank you, Nadine, for all the kind emails you send me. Thank you for keeping in contact like you do. If only Alaska were around the corner...


You are my best friend.
D-Love,
Stephanie

Trusty Blog

Ahhhh! My Trusty Blog, I am back and I've missed you. Must work now, but I will catch up with you later. It's been a long couple of weeks.