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I'm a Recovering Drama Queen. I got tired of the same old lines.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Larger Bowl

Yesterday I felt like a complete fish out of water. It is hard not living in the neighborhood where Peanut's school is (Robert D's neighborhood has the better school). I still park across the street from the school and walk to pick her up in the afternoons. I relish that time we have walking and talking...It's almost as good as living in the neighborhood.

Facing the facts, I'm a single, working woman with a child...so it's going to be foreign to go into married family homes...especially in Robert D's neighborhood.

Yesterday morning I get a text from him. "Are you taking Peanut to the soccer party at the "Blanks'" house?"
Me: "What soccer party?"
Robert D: "Oh, you must not have received the email. There's a party at 1pm today for all the girls on the soccer team"
Me: "We have another party to go to at 3pm that's 40 minutes away, but I'm sure we can go for a bit"

Now, this appears to be your normal miscommunication...but we actually talked about her Sunday birthday party when I picked up some of her things on Friday. I even asked if her birthday party would interfere with the birthday dinner for Uncle Brio (Robert D's brother's nickname)...So you would think he'd say something like "Oh! She has the soccer party that day as well"...but that would be asking too much of him...kind of like child support, always an afterthought and never timely. The other piece of this is the irritation I've had over soccer and other activities. I'm good with shuttling Peanut around for activities he signs her up for, but I can never count on him to do the same if I'm unable to take her to a class. He'll say he's taking her, and then not.

We arrive at the party and are greeted by some really nice people. The home is lovely. Nothing needs to be fixed, it's light, it's bright, it's comfy, it's big, and they have a beautiful backyard patio. This is always going to be tough for me until I have my own beautiful light and bright home...but yesterday I was overwhelmed with it.

Husbands and wives standing around talking about their homes, their kids, how they ran into each other at the park, church, etc. A family neighborhood. What I grew up with before my parents divorced (minus the McCastle sized homes).
Robert D. and the future Mrs. D walk in at about 1:30... and I immediately start wishing I hadn't eaten so many Cadbury Eggs this season...and I'm wondering if the future Mrs. D even eats...They started commenting on the new fence that the Blanks' just had done and how that would be a great thing to do for their home. Their 4200 SF McCastle...and all I could do was remember when my 1800SF townhome was packed to the ceilings with his stuff...tubs and boxes and stacks of shit all over the house...dishwasher not working, electrical outlets not working in certain places, walls cracking, window leaking...the sunlight in our kitchen that has no window (the cracks were that big)...and that anger just welled up inside of me...

I am jealous of this lifestyle. I'll admit that. No denying it. It's what I wanted all along...and the "home is where your heart is" crap is easy to say, but hard to live.  So I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm not feeling guilty for doing so. I don't have what I want. I don't want Robert D or his 4200 SF McCastle, that's not it...I'm just angry that he didn't make living in a nice home a priority when we were married...translation..."he didn't make me a priority".

I was one of two single parents at that party...and I felt out of place, less than

Wow! This pity party has been fun.

While I'm pouring on the melodrama I'll mention the second party we went to...great family, another beautiful home with a huge backyard (big enough for 2 bounce houses).

My fish bowl started feeling smaller and smaller (as did I)...

Nobody makes me feel that way but me, I do realize this...but I just couldn't set aside those feelings yesterday. I was "little".  Yesterday I just wanted the larger bowl.


  1. I was married for 8 years. I wanted a house all that time, but he wouldn't have it.

    A month before the divorce was final he bought a house. A 3 bedroom fixer with a huge yard in a nice neighborhood.

    A year later I bought this house. A two bedroom 1000SF house that needed work, but had good bones.

    7 Years later I am still here.

    6 months after he bought his house he was homeless. He's been homeless off and on for the last 7 years.

    I still have SO MANY projects to do. So many things to fix, to build, to demo. I would love a bigger house, a bigger yard, less of a fixer.
    But then I would also have less time with the boys because I'd be spending more of it cleaning, mowing, raking, planting, and paying the much larger mortgage.

    My point (yes, I think I had one) is that the size of the house or quanity of bouncy houses only looks nice on the outside. At the end of the night, the owners may not even be talking to each other, maybe he slept in a bouncy house that night... there's no way to know what goes on behind the closed doors.

    I have found that the more perfect it looks, the less perfect it usually is.

    But I get it. When I divorced, I couldn't go to any family functions or be around any of my married friends. And when he remarried, I felt like there was something wrong with me. Like I was damaged goods.

    Just keep your head up, and stay strong on your path. You'll get to where you want, and when you do... it will stay.

  2. I can totally relate to your pain here my dear. Just remember, you are way more creative and cool than the great majority of those that live in their McMansions and McCastles. I would rather be your friend than theirs any day of the week!!