The Reveal

Cherish is what you do

when the "newness" wears off

and the feelings reveal themselves

to be true and lasting...

It's how you say, "Thank you."

Ideal Birds

It was one of those important moments where she knew if she opened her mouth the Ideal Birds would fly away with her empathy, so she promptly shut the cage door, sat down, leaned in, and listened.

Fabrications

I let you dress me with your opinions...
The clothes constricted my voice
And my skin was buffered from feeling.

I prefer being nude these days...
Thoughts radiate from my once covered head
And I'm no longer defined by your fabrications.

***

I remember when I used to tell Peanut stories as a baby...when she finally started talking it was such a trip to pull out an old book and she'd call out the names of the characters before I had a chance to say them. She knew them from long ago, she just didn't have the voice yet.

I did a lot of work on what made my marriage fail and how I got to be the person I was in that marriage. I've been divorced for almost 6 years, so the sentiment in this piece is pretty old. Every now and then something will trigger a memory and I now have the ability to put it to words...sometimes good words, sometimes totally corny. This piece feels somewhere in-between.

Privately Yours-OUT IN THE OPEN

UPDATE- 3/19/13

HELLO, MY FRIENDS. I WAS GOING TO MAKE MY BLOG PRIVATE BUT THE ISSUE I WAS HAVING HAS APPARENTLY RESOLVED ITSELF...SO FEEL FREE TO ROAM ABOUT WITHOUT AN INVITE.


Good morning!

I am making my blog private in the next week. Please email me if you'd like me to send you an invite.

I had a great week with my mom this past week. She was in for Spring Break to take care of The Peanut while she was out of school. I had to work most of the week, but we managed to get some fun time in. Work is going great! Way ahead of schedule with my assignments and I got a 4% raise (in addition to that bonus I wrote about).

Fun stuff for 2013:

My dad turned 70 yesterday.
My youngest brother turns 30 next month.
My Papa Sam turns 98 in June!
My youngest brother and his wife are having a baby next month!
My younger sister and my step mom are both graduating from college (Masters in Psychology) in June!
My mom will be moving here this year.
My younger sister and her boyfriend got engaged!
My stepbrother will be here in April for work and we're going to surprise Peanut.
I have met someone new. Just writing that makes me smile.

My life is filled with connecting pieces.

Privately Yours,
Stephanie

"Yes"

I've had a pretty fun week. Work is busy, but not too bad. I've had some great nights out and have been spending time with people I care about. I had some work done on my house this past weekend. Just some minor things...nothing exciting, but I did have the handymen move some furniture around in my living room...fresh look and a whole wall to figure out how to decorate. (Yes, I know...I need to post pics.) Peanut's Spring Break starts Friday afternoon. My mom will be in for a week so I don't have to take off of work. They may even take a road trip to Austin.

Here's a little bit of what's popped into my head in the last week or so.

SOLES:


Helen took off her running shoes.

They were old and heavy and no longer gave her support.

The very thing that was supposed to give her freedom

of flight was weighing her down.

She decided to sit still for a while,

Dangling her bare feet in the thick of it.

It was then that she learned how to move forward...

The places she'd go would be light on her soles.

***

FEET:

When putting your "best foot forward" how do you choose? Do you go by which one is prettier or by which one will taste better if you say the wrong thing?

***

THE DAYS IN-BETWEEN:


Anna smiled through the rough days and wept when a day brought overwhelming joy.
Most would think she had that backwards…
But Anna always had a good feel for what she needed.
Perhaps this is what made her whistle on the days in-between.

***

Smiling is my favorite thing to do, and I find myself doing it more often for no particular reason. I had a band instructor in Junior High who had a poster on the wall in the band room. It said, "Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?"...Right now I'd have to say, "Yes".

Can I Touch You Again?

There is something about touching you...
It makes me want to reach inside myself...

And feel!
Feel who I am today,
Feel who I've been all along,
Feel the fresh air that is hitting my face!

I go about my days so differently.
I've done my healing,
Now I'm growing...

And feeling.

I love this feeling!
It's me.
I feel like me!

If I touch you again...

Can I touch you again?

Will you feel me?

Right CJ?

We've been having some fun at my house lately. Peanut had $25 Chanukah gelt (money) to spend. About 3 weeks ago we went and got a guinea pig. The precious little creature snuggled right into Peanut's chest when the clerk at the pet store put him in her arms. He's calico colored, like a cat...so she named him Calico Jack ("CJ"). He was about 3-4 weeks old when we got him. I haven't had a guinea pig since I was little. I forgot how sociable they are! This silly creature has totally captivated our hearts with his squeaky, chirping ways. The third night we had him, Peanut was kind of wound up. I sent her up to her room for the night. It was 8pm. I told her she could play quietly with the guinea pig for 20 minutes and then it was bed time. I went back downstairs and lost track of time. I was on the phone. It was way too quiet upstairs!

This is what I found when I got up there!

Sweet girl fell asleep with her Calico Jack tucked under her arm! It's hard to tell from the photo, but he was not being smushed by her...he was just quietly sitting there. We've had so much fun letting him play with her old toys. We put her old "Cars" movie play rug on the floor for him and a wooden barn that my mom gave her. He loves it. He's quite the ladies man and he likes browsing on Amazon.com for interesting cage decor! 

I'm posting pics of him on Facebook like he's my child! Just tickled by this little dude!

The cats have yet to see him. We have him locked in Peanut's bedroom. We're going to just keep it that way, right CJ?

Future Good News

I'm blogging from my Kindle which could prove interesting. My computer died a quick and sudden death a couple of weeks ago and I've been too busy to find its replacement. I had hoped to share some good news this weekend, but instead will tell you good news for the future: My mom is moving here from Albuquerque. She's building a home in a senior community. It will be so nice to have more family here. My ex's parents have been wonderful but I'm looking forward to not having to ask them for help...I'd rather just contact them because I like their company. My mom found a buyer for her home...a cash deal! They were supposed to close on March 7th and she'd move here on the 8th. Well, the flaky people backed out of the deal. It took them a month to make the decision,(they gave my mom a low ball offer, she met them in the middle and they originally turned it down...then changed their minds and signed the offer last week). I was supposed to find her an temp apartment this weekend...those plans are on hold...sigh...we are all crossing fingers that she gets another offer by the time her new home is built (mid July). I know it'll work out. Now if we can just keep anxiety at bay! I have more to write but am wiped. Off to bed for me. I hope to catch up on reading some blogs this weekend. I miss that, and I'm sorry for not checking in sooner. Love, Stephanie

Dear Friend

I've participated in group therapy for a number of years. I was thinking about what makes the experience so special. This is what I've come up with...at any time I could turn to any group member and the following is implied:

Fragile is the heart that has suffered loss.
Let your mind do its best to mend and nourish
What is broken in the very center of your soul.

I'll cry with you when you cry for what hurts.
I cannot take away the pain,
But I can provide a safe place for you to feel it.

Seek moments of peace as you journey through the grief.
Be it a laugh or a hug or a bowl of ice-cream,
I'll be there,
Ready,
Dear friend.

These Things That Make Life- EDITED

Happy Friday!

Here are some bits and pieces of me from this past week:

Watched "The Odd Life of Timothy Green" with Peanut on Tuesday night. Amazing to watch your kid's wheels turning as they try and figure out the meaning behind a story. "Why are his leaves falling off his legs? What do you think that means? Why can't he stay with them? ....." Huge conversation about compassion, acceptance and the important role people play in our lives regardless of the amount of time you get with them... We had a good cry over characters we didn't personally know, but really, it was a nice outlet for our own life's tears.

***
Wednesday's Facebook Status Post:

"There will always be a person who can make your life meaningful...
don't believe me? Look in the mirror.
I know, I know...I go thru one little breakup and suddenly I'm like excerpts from a self help book"

I had a wonderful old friend who commented on this post with this:
"It is the rougher spots in life that shape our views the strongest - you're just letting your rough spot polish you to a brilliant shine!"
I don't know if it's that I just pick good friends or I'm lucky they picked me...probably both.

***

Did I mention that I got pharyngitis earlier this week and left work early on Monday and was out all of Tuesday? Yah, fancy word for really bad sore throat with a mild fever. So glad I didn't get the flu.

Did I also mention that my ex's parents kept Peanut for me all day Monday thru Tuesday morning when they took her to school for me? Peanut's dad was out of town and they stepped in...mostly because they didn't want her to catch what I had, but also because we're family.

***

This morning 20% of my annual salary was given to me as an annual bonus by my employer. To say I'm blown away by their generosity (yet again) is an understatement!

***

So that's my story for the week...one of compassion, understanding, acceptance, generosity, honesty, and the importance of a good cry when it hurts achieving these things that make life.

Light and Happy

Light and happy were the days
she'd spend when she no longer
feared the bottom would fall
out from under her. 

The Photos of Christmas Eve Past

Back peddling a little bit this morning. Thought I'd post some pictures from December. My ex's parents have been wonderful to me over the past 6 years. I've mentioned this before. Our relationship is quite extraordinary. In 2011 both of their sons were going to be out of town for Thanksgiving, so they celebrated early. This left them with no plans on the actual day of Thanksgiving. My mom was in town, so we made a Turkey Day dinner at my house. It was pretty awesome.

This past Christmas both sons were away Christmas Eve. My mom happened to be in town so we made plans at our favorite restaurant for the 5 of us. It was a hard day for me because Rudolph and I were pretty much on the outs and my world had just changed dramatically. It meant so much to me that they wanted to share their Christmas Eve with me.

They took Peanut to church before we met for dinner and she told them about my break up. At the dinner table Paw Paw was sitting to my right. He leaned over to say that he was very sorry to hear the news. It was as sincere as my own father said it, and that felt good.

These people mean so much to me, and I hope someday I will get to share them with a man who understands how important and amazing this relationship is. I didn't want to be anywhere else Christmas Eve. My heart was right there, at that table.

Here are some of the photos from that evening.

Happy New Year, my friends!

Grounded

She had her "Aha!" moment somewhere in-between the blubbering and a restful night's sleep.

She grabbed the largest balloon she could find and ran outside.

Into the balloon went all the hot air that filled her lungs.

She let the wind carry the balloon away,
Took a deep breath of fresh air,
And embraced herself.

Oh the joy of feeling grounded! 

Cheers

A "gift" was given to me this week at work. I actually ran out of PTO (Paid Time Off) days around September of last year. I had some unexpected trips (mom broke her hip in May and I went to Albuquerque for the week) and 2 weeks of illnesses between me and Peanut. My mom is fine, by the way...she's actually better than fine...her recovery time was far less than expected. Anyway, back to work...At the start of this year I was about 6 days in the hole. Here's where the gift came in...they decided to wipe my slate clean! My insides were jumping for joy, and I of course thanked them over and over....

But, I declined their offer. You see, there were some days I took off simply because I couldn't "deal" with life...aka, days I shouldn't have taken off. This year's resolution is to not do that anymore. Separating personal feelings from the work I need to do will not be easy, but it's a goal I need to reach. So far I've done pretty well considering I've started this year with a break up.

Well, it's been a long week, and this is all I feel like writing for the moment. Perhaps I'll have a burst of writing energy later in the weekend.

Cheers!

Stephanie

No Winner

This time when they played
There was no laughter to follow .
They pulled so hard the rope broke in two,
And each took their piece.

She tied hers in a knot around her waist
To display her part of their undoing.
The edges of the loose end snagged and frayed
As she let it drag like a tail behind her.

He shouted, "I was right! I won!"
She conceded without looking back,
And kept walking,
Tears streaming down her face.

She knew when he turned that critical eye on himself
He'd experience the same pain.
She realized with that pain would come grief,
And clearly there was no winner.

The Parade

Rain all you want on my parade.

Splash with anger against the cymbals and the drums.

Let what ails you spill out onto the streets.

I will stay afloat,

And wait for the real you to come flooding back.

The Pile

Six years ago she didn't have to deal with this.

The room appeared spotless,
Void of distractions,
Empty...
Her stuff was so well hidden even she couldn't find it!

Then life changed...

Now there was a pile of stuff in the middle of the room.
It wasn't as big of a pile as it was six years ago.
Most of the bigger items had been put in their proper place.
There was progress,
But she longed for the day when the stuff would magically disappear.
She knew that seldom happens...
The responsibility was hers.
She'd tackle it all eventually,
But, good golly, how did she accumulate so much stuff?!

Dignity

She brought a dust pan and a whisk broom with her that day.
She wanted to salvage what was left.
A few moments passed as she looked down at the mess.
She sighed as she scooped up the pieces and placed them in the front pocket of her shirt.
No matter how unsightly, she would keep them close to her breast.
She walked away whistling, knowing the heart has a way of healing broken dignity.

That Child

I screamed at her.
It was the middle of the night
And I was so tired.
Her face was not recognizable,
It was blurred by my imagination.
I recognized the yellow blinds...
They were from my childhood bedroom,
But the room was not mine.
It was isolated from the rest of the house.
I yelled, "I can't do this anymore!"
"This is your child!"
"I can't be the parent!"
The father agreed but offered no assistance.
He was silent,
A faint shadow in the background.
She tried to reassure me,
"I'll take care of this now."
But she disappeared after she spoke.
I wanted to walk away,
I couldn't.
Nothing was going to change,
And the child still needed me.

I woke up and cried for that child.

Skin

One salty tear would lead to the next,
And the next,
Until pretty soon I'd be empty...
A mere fraction of a woman.
Emaciated by the grief, yet again.
I waited for it to all spill out like before,
But it did not.
A couple of leaks here and there,
Easily patched by the kindness I built up.
My skin now thick and rich,
And all signs of anxiety exfoliated.
I am whole.
Still.
Without you.

December 30, 2012
I've had some time to reflect on this poem. I was very angry when I wrote it. The truth is...I cried buckets...I just had to hold them in until my family left and I was alone. I am whole (that part is true), but I am hurting, and that's okay because you don't lose a year long love with the person you wanted to spend your life with without feeling the loss.