My writing started as a way to work through some sad and confusing times in my life, a way to alleviate the weight of that pain...even if it were for only a moment. There were times when it was a desperate attempt to explain myself..."I'm not crazy! This is why I hurt!" . More time than not the hidden agenda was to connect, any way I could, to a part of my life that I missed/lost.
It got me through, a bandage for my boo-boo's. I'd wear those bandages until they fell off.
And I didn't heal.
Upon a lengthy self examination I determined I was merely covering my truths instead of embracing them....so I opened up those wounds and tended to them, like a mother tends to a scraped knee...gently, lovingly. I gave myself permission to repeat this process as often as necessary.
That's when the healing began.
Eventually those wounds healed...the scars were magnificent proof of that!
I continue to look at those scars often, more times than not I've been able to find some healthy good that I missed where the old,malignant growth once was.
Now I write as a preventative measure...check-ups, if you will.
Scars are trophies of experience, proof that you have been through the wars but made it alive. You should be proud of them as they are a symbol of your strength.
ReplyDeleteScars are like tattoos, but with better stories.
ReplyDeleteI think if you talk to most bloggers, they will tell you why they started has nothing to do with why they kept going. Writing is just another avenue of self exploration, and as always, you can get out of it what ever you want and need.
Thanks Tony and Julianna,
ReplyDeleteI realized recently that I'm constantly writing about the same thing...I must sound like a broken record. Second verse, same as the first...and then I realized that I'm getting out of it something completely different now...and eventually I won't need these "affirmations" as often. I look forward to that day.
I second what Julianna said. I can tell you the story behind every scar on my hands. From the new knife bought at Boy Scout camp, to the serrated blade that almost sliced off a fingertip while opening it for a customer at Target, to the little star-shaped one on my thumb from Koosh Ball that had been set ablaze.
ReplyDeleteThe not-physical scars are harder. People can't see them so they assume everything is fine when the truth is so much more. And maybe you are fine, but that doesn't mean the scar isn't there.
For both, they fade over time. You'll see them and remember the time or the circumstances surrounding it, but they don't hurt as bad as they once did. In that way, they can be a bit like grief. It's sharpest at the outset, but it fades. It comes and goes, but with each day distancing between then and now, you grow.
Joshua - thank you for that wonderfully insightful comment. It means a lot.
ReplyDeleteYou are so much braver than I am. Posting my past relationship scars is something I just can't bring myself to do. I despise the person I was in those days so I can't bear to share 'her' with everyone. I'm glad you have found such healing. I suppose maybe my humors way of blogging is my way of healing and of remembering who I really am.
ReplyDeleteInteresting how it can turn from a way to alleviate and then go to preventitive, guess we learn more about ourselves or how to get through the crap as we go on.
ReplyDeleteDear Stephanie, with each of your postings I grow in admiration of your strength and resilience. One of the things that so wonderful about growing older is that we have more of life to look back on. And sometimes--and this has happened for me--we are able to look back and to see that all has worked out unto good. That is a great gift that time gives us.
ReplyDeleteBut of course, everything depends on our looking for the good. And in today's posting you do just that.
You are a wonder.
Peace.
Again, Dee said everything for me. Maybe I should hire her to ghostwrite my comments!
ReplyDeleteAha, now I have to second what Dee has said so eloquently, as she always does. She may have more years to look back on than I, but I can attest to the profundity of what she is saying and it's clear that you, a lot younger than I, have already grown so much and you are already seeing so clearly. This is yet another beautifully written piece, Stephanie.
ReplyDeleteJoshua, That's an excellent comment. Stephanie, I have some pretty impressive scars. Let's together and you show me mine and I'll show you yours. Uh, maybe that's not what I meant. But you're a good caregiver to yourself and others.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Lola
Self evaluation is a powerful antiseptic indeed. Following you now.
ReplyDeleteMaggie - Not talking about my relationship scars via writing was not an option. Apparently truth serum is the only thing that cures me of relationship wounds...that, and my wonderful cheering squad that I like to call my Bloggerhood!
ReplyDeleteDee - First, it's so nice to have you back! Your comments are always so thoughtful!!!
Fishducky - I think you, Dee, Desiree and Lola should start your own version of The View via a blog.
Desiree - thank you.
Lola - Please move to my neighborhood
Middle Damned - Thanks for following me. NOW BE NICE TO YOUR SISTER....AND MELYNDA!!!!
No Stephanola, You and Elisa and Melynda and Julianna all have to move to my neighborhood. Won't you please? Won't you please? Please let me be your neighbor.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Lola
You know how when you are a kid and you've scraped your knee, as long as you don't look at it you forget it happened and keep playing? I think you take your scraped knee out so much it can never heal. Not saying DON"T WRITE. Write it out. Then file it away in the file cabinet of your life only to pull it out when you need. It's the only way I could heal when I was raped. Now I pull those memories out to help others or when I really need to but I can put them away again just as easily. Sounds weird but try it. I love your face girl. You are a true sweet heart. I hate that you hurt.
ReplyDeleteSuch powerful symbolism here. I couldn't believe how much writing, about the time before I ran away, has helped me. I cleaned up issues I never knew I had LOL!
ReplyDeleteI should take a page from your book! I'm so good at tucking all the bad stuff away. I swear I'm going to have a huge mental breakdown when I'm 80!
ReplyDeleteMelynda - that was the problem, I couldn't forget the "scraped knee" was there, so I had to keep looking...and if I could have filed it away in a cabinet sooner, I would have. Now I'm ready to do that.
ReplyDelete