The Little One

Called Peanut tonight to wish her a goodnight as I often do on the nights I don't have her with me. I love the age she's at because she talks more now. She didn't have school today because of the snow we had yesterday, so they'll have to do their Valentine's Day party on Tuesday (no school Monday, lucky girl!). I pick her up Saturday mornings for ballet (when it's not my weekend). I asked her if she was ready to dance tomorrow and she said, "No, mommy, I'm ready to see you." Big joy always comes from my little one.

That Thursday Night

My last group session was very emotional. It started out a typical Thursday session and then we got to the good-bye's. I got to say what each person meant to me and vice versa. I'd done this before when other group members have left, so I knew what to expect...but I still felt ill-prepared. It's amazing to describe how much a person means to you when they're right there in front of you. The eye contact is so intense and the emotions so genuine. I was told by one group member that he used to see the crying I've done in group as a sign of weakness, but he realized that from that crying came a lot of strength and courage. Another expressed that I was the heart and soul of the group. Not a word was spoken that didn't warm my heart and I hope the feelings I expressed did the same. Susan was last to say good-bye. She said that she was honored to be my Thursday Mom and that I should always remind myself that I'm irreplaceable. That comment was the most meaningful of all as I've spent almost my whole life and probably every relationship trying to feel that very thing...irreplaceable.

I'll carry the events of that Thursday night with me...a silent companion for my future.

Thank You, Nadine!

Thank you, Nadine, for all the kind emails you send me. Thank you for keeping in contact like you do. If only Alaska were around the corner...


You are my best friend.
D-Love,
Stephanie

Trusty Blog

Ahhhh! My Trusty Blog, I am back and I've missed you. Must work now, but I will catch up with you later. It's been a long couple of weeks.

My Masterpiece

Next week will be my last Thursday night session with my group. It's been three years of "family time" that I can count on. Last month I decided it was time to leave. Everything in my life was coming together, so it just felt like time. Not two or three days after that I took an unexpected nose-dive emotionally and questioned whether I was ready. Had I really come as far as I thought? It was a long month with more downs than ups. After this past weekend I was sure I wasn't ready...and then I felt a most surprising shift...it was in the midst of really sad news...news that the old me would have felt devastation over for months and months...news that would have at one time in my life set me so far back you'd think I hadn't changed a bit. I dealt with only the current situation. I saw it from both sides and felt the pain the other person was going through. I made my needs and wants known. I cried, and lifted my head again. I'm not sure how this chapter in my life will play out and I still carry hope.

I expected to walk into last night's session a basket case in need of one big box of tissues...I wasn't. People greeted me tentatively, not wanting to set the tears in motion...they didn't. I talked about my feelings with as much depth as I usually do...only it didn't swallow me up...

Without asking for it Susan gave me a, "You're going to be just fine...and we're going to miss you".

I wouldn't call next Thursday's session a graduation from therapy, it's not...you're never "done"...I'll carry the last three years with me forever...a masterpiece of emotions that is never quite finished.

All for One and One for Peanut

It is college week at Peanut's elementary school. This past weekend we went through all of the events for this week and talked about college. From what Peanut knows about college she has already decided that she'll only go if she can live at home still. She's been saying this for quite a while and I think I need to get it on video as proof! Anyway, back to this weekend...she's been watching the movie Barbie and the Three Musketeers quite a bit lately...she is so into it that she trains to be a musketeer (mostly by using a sash as a ribbon that knocks things over in the house). When I asked her what she wanted to study in college she said, "Musketeer". Then I asked her what kinds of things she'd need to learn in order to be a Musketeer and I got "How to protect the king by using ribbons, perfume and fans. You know, mom, Musketeers do not use knives, swords or guns". Told her she'd also need to learn to be an acrobat, how to sew (costumes) , fine literature, and math. Sandi came over this weekend (R.I.P. Sister Kitty!) and she tried to enlist her to train with her. Sunday night Peanut asked me if there were any colleges that could teach her how to be a musketeer. I seized the opportunity and told her that if there were they would probably be in another city and she'd have to go to school in a different city or town than here...to which she replied, "Or you and dad could just move where I go"...Why didn't I think of that?

Yesterday was dress up in what you want to be when you graduate college. I forgot all about it. Ten minutes before we were supposed to leave for school she tells me that she's not wearing anything in the pile of choices that I gave her because she's supposed to wear a career outfit. I said, "Okay, wanna wear your Doctor's coat?"...."Mom! That's boring. I am going to go as a Musketeer". Told her there was no way I could put a costume together and that she needed to get dressed, brush her teeth and go to the bathroom...followed by a few swear words on my part (getting her out the door in the morning is stressful enough as it is because we have a bit of a drive!). She was insistent. I caved. Picked out a pair of pink leggings and a long sleeved pink shirt that had a princess cameo in the middle. She had a dark pink hat that was from Easter that she's been wearing when she "trains", so she wore that too...I tried to put a sash on her, but she insisted that she HAD to wear a cape. Aaaakkkkk!!!!!...a few more swear words came out of my mouth which I do not wish to repeat. Found a piece of leftover pink tulle in her Princess Closet and cut it to make a cape. Put her pink boots on because "Musketeers always wear boots"

We got to school with less than 5 minutes to spare.

Yes, she was the only kid in school to be dressed as a Musketeer.

I am tickled by her imagination, but it wears me out!

Facebooked a brief version of this story yesterday and asked if anyone knew of a school she could go to...a very clever high school friend replied..."University of Virginia"...the Cavaliers!

Giggle

And no, I did not get a picture...we were too rushed. :(

Happiness Is...

The first Cadbury Egg of the season.

Unbroken

This is a poem that my mom sent me. It is in the book called "Evidence Poems" by Mary Oliver

"Broken, Unbroken"

The lonely stand in the dark corners of their hearts
I have seen them
in the cities,
and in my own neighborhood,
nor could I touch them
with the magic
that they crave
to be unbroken
then I myself,
lonely,
said hello
to good fortune.
Someone
came along
and lingered
and little by little
became everything
that makes the difference.
Oh, I wish such good luck
to everyone.
How beautiful it is
to be unbroken.

Life is amazing when you come out of that dark corner of your heart. Thank you, mom! She sent this to me at a time when I really needed it. It helped me realize that I am no longer broken.

Yes, But Only If You Bring Your Hamster

Peanut is having a play date right now. I am quietly sitting in the room next to them and relaxing. I'm also listening in! When they first started playing they were using the tinker bell nail polish kit. Peanut's friend said something like, "Did you know that if you put clear nail polish on over the other polish that it'll stay on forever?" Peanut was so excited...I'm waiting for her to ask me for some. Then her friend started talking about how strong her calf muscles were getting because she's exercising...she's 5 1/2!
Bump! Yikes...every bump and bang I hear from that room just makes me cringe.
"We're twins because we both have pony shirts"
"You can play with my mom's toys, but not with mine" (that comment was addressed...believe me!)
"I'm hungry," said Peanut
"Me too," said friend
Be right back ................................................................................
.......................................................................................................
.......................................................................................................
"Water that people drink is from Whales"
"All drains lead to the ocean"
"I just drank sewer water" (I set that one straight too)
Just spoke to her friend's mom...she'll be spending the night tonight.

So these crazy conversations reminded me of when I used to have play dates.

I think it was 2nd or 3rd grade and a girl invited me to play at her house. The week before I had brought my hamster to school for show and tell. When I showed up at her house without the hamster she wouldn't play with me...I know! How pitiful is that?

Peanut's Gallery

I snuck in the picture for this shot

I don't think she meant to take

a picture of the ceiling

Whoa! Psychadelic!

My cheek

Click your heels three times

I know he's my ex, but he's

adorable in these kinds of pics

Peanut and Paw Paw's mouth and tie

Paw Paw

Uncle Brio

Mimi

Santa and Barkley

Yes, I took this one

This one came out good

This one came out pretty good also!

I am getting my dad's old camera this week, so I'll start letting Peanut use my camera when she wants. I showed her how to use it yesterday at brunch and these are some of the photos she took. She cut off a lot of heads, but some of them were actually pretty good! There are photographers on both sides of the family, so who knows! Maybe she'll have her very own Peanut Gallery some day (sorry, couldn't resist).

Visit With Santa

My new favorite picture
Peanut with Robert

Peanut, Barkley & Santa

Talking to Santa

Hugging her "Baby Hunting Dog Dalmatian"

With Uncle Brio

Mimi, Santa, and Me!

Met up with Robert D and his family to have brunch at the country club on Sunday. Santa was making a visit. They had a really nice Santa this year. Usually I take her to the mall to see Santa, but just didn't get a chance to this year. It was really nice of Robert's mom to invite me to go with them. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

Saddle Up! It's Chanukah Party Time!!!!!!

Tonight is Peanut's Chanukah party. This will be our fourth year. It's a good feeling when your friends contact you a month before and ask when you're having it (so they can get it on their calendars). I have to admit, I almost didn't want to do one this year. Nana Rose won't be able to come in from Albuquerque this time, so I thought I'd have to make the latkes by myself. I have a girlfriend who is coming early to help me and then yesterday Ardie offered to assist as well. He did such a good job last year eating up the latkes he's now a pro at what they should taste like! It should be an interesting party...Robert D and his parents will be there and possibly his girlfriend. I've also invited Russell. This will be his first time meeting Robert and his family. Glad it will be on "home turf".

When Peanut found out Russell was coming she said, "What we'll do is have everyone line up and take turns having horsey rides on Rusty." This morning Russell emailed me to see if he could bring anything to the party. I told him... a saddle...

In the Pink

"Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I concede"

"All this pink is making me itchy!"

" Pink accommodations were not listed in the brochure.

What's with the reversible comforter?"

Hello Pink!!!

Bye Bye Land Before Time Curtains

Peanut kept insisting that she'd sleep in her bed once she had her "pink" room. Up until now it's been a Land Before Time Room. I kept holding off on redecorating as I thought we'd be moving. Last May I purchased pink princess themed bedding and a few other things. Had to come up with a solution for turning the room pink without taking down her Land Before Time Murals (which of course she wanted to keep). The walls are a lavender color (technically Silverberry!)...We hung curtain rods along the wall that has the murals and then hung pink curtains to cover the wall. A few more pink touches were added and we now have one girly girl room...and I didn't have to paint the walls. She's slept in there a couple of times, but we're working toward more nights...and Grandma and Grandpa dinosaur can still watch over her bed.

I am fostering my friend Sandi's cat, Buddy (aka Bud Bud)...he has staked out Peanut's room as his own (leaving Percy with all of the downstairs area)...eventually he got used to the pink.

Kind of Like an Olsen Twin?

I separated these pictures from the birthday dinner photos because they were just too funny. As you can tell, Peanut enjoyed her dessert that night. I absolutely love the wide-eyed picture...she actually looks a lot like her dad in this photo (a face he gives)...and an Olsen twin!

Live and in-person

Sitting at my desk after a yummy office Thanksgiving Day Feast...I have a little under an hour to go before it's time to leave to pick up Peanut. Sometimes during the day I look at the pictures I have saved on my computer and I see one that is just so precious...and I can't wait until it's time to leave so I get that picture live and in-person. The photo in this post is the one that just "hit" me at this moment. I love my little girl.

Leaf It to Peanut

Peanut had a school project in her backpack the weekend before last. She needed to decorate a cutout of a feather that would be added to all the other kids' feathers to make a turkey. Sunday morning when we got up we decided that we were going to do things found in nature. We picked leaves from trees that had beautiful fall colors, acorns, acorn caps and berries. Just doing that felt like an adventure! Thought we could mix it with some glue and glitter and make a nice feather. Thankfully I already had the glitter. We sat down at her little table in the living room. Before we began to work I thought I'd put some music on. We've been watching the musical "Annie" and I thought it would be fun to dig up my old record and play it. I couldn't find it, but I did find The Brady Bunch album that I listened to in the late 70's. Brought back some fun memories and I was surprised how many of the words I remembered. Got the sillies out of our system and started to get to work on the assignment. Those of you who know me well know that I don't like glitter messes. At first I thought I was going to be the one controlling the use of the glitter...then I let go and had a blast. We had to put a heavier backing on the feather as the construction paper just would not hold acorn caps, etc. Used the back of a notepad. Then we traced a feather onto a red piece of construction paper b/c the bright blue piece that we were to use was just not "Fall-ish". I ended up bringing down the hot glue gun b/c I knew that Elmer's would just not do the trick. Did the first few leaves with glitter and then I thought it would be fun to use glitter nail polish (and less mess!). Despite the awful smell, it actually worked! We also put glitter on top of the nail polish for extra shine. I gave Peanut the job of glittering the acorns, leaves, etc...then she would place them on the feather (sometimes with my encouraging her where to place the stuff)...and then I would glue it on. We sat there with our heads bopping away to the music and just had a great time. We started picking leaves, etc at 9:30am and finished her special feather and two plates of decorative acorns, leaves and acorn caps by 2pm (with lunch in-between). We were still in our jammies, there floor was not messy, but our hands were...and we had the best time.

We decided that we're going to do an art project every Sunday morning that we are together. It was one of the best times we've had together.

This time for real

Okay, let my realtor talk me into keeping the house on the market for a little longer, but still no luck. She is picking up the sign today....Ahhhhhhh! I can relax now...well, kind of...had to spend $180 today to add more freon to the upstairs A/C. Next time it runs out I'll have to replace the air handler...$1500 of fun, fun, fun. Frustrating? You betcha!

Pumpkin Patch is all the Buzz!

You can see the bee on her right shoulder!

Went to the pumpkin patch for the 4th year in a row with Peanut. We met up with some friends. Peanut dressed as a bride and looked just adorable. When we got there I showed the girls a spot to meet at in case we got separated from each other. We walked them over to the maze that's made out of hay and watched them go in. This is the bigger kid maze so it's kind of hard to see where they're at. We kept watching the exit and no Peanut or Chloe...they got lost in the maze and ended up going out the entrance...and waiting exactly at the spot I showed them! Very cool!!!

The bees at the pumpkin patch seem to get worse and worse each year. We were playing in the patch and Peanut was climbing on the haystack. I wanted some photos of her sitting amongst the pumpkins...she took several really fun shots and then my friend was going to take one of the two of us. We were posing for the picture when BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...a bee stung my Peanut!!! She cried at first and I did my best not to freak out. This was her first bee sting and I didn't know if she'd be allergic (my dad is deathly allergic to yellow jackets, but I don't have any allergies)...thank goodness she was not allergic! I was really proud of her for wanting to stay and continue having fun. It was a beautiful overcast day (translation...not hot)...next year will probably be the last year we go...my Peanut is so grown up!

Staying Put

Decided to take the house off of the market for the time being. Too much stress going along with not knowing where Peanut and I will end up living. Need a break from it. Over 50 showings and not a single offer, kind of sucks. :(

Coasting

Haven't had much time to collect my thoughts the past few days. Feel like I've been over-thinking way too much lately and my brain needs a break. Just going to coast for a bit and see where that takes me, see how I feel...officially letting go of control.