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I'm a Recovering Drama Queen. I got tired of the same old lines.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

All of Me

I've had emotional intimacy. I wasn't searching for it at the time. At the time, the only thing I was searching for was myself. You see, I lost myself in my marriage. Gone was my sense of humor, my self worth, my courage. Wasted was my warmth and kindness... my smile rarely showing itself. I was in there all along, but I was too afraid to embrace myself...all of me, even my faults.

One day a kind soul looked deep inside my heart and helped me realize I was enough. He patiently and effortlessly supported me, we supported each other...and as the love grew, so did we.  I no longer feared being vulnerable, it was safe to be me...we provide that safe place for each other. It was powerful, emotional, real, and most of all connected.  

When we said good-bye I grieved the loss. The old, damaged me screamed, "It's all your fault!"...and, even though I knew it wasn't,  I carried that pain. Slowly I learned that it was okay to keep those memories, I didn't have to deny they happened in order to let go...perhaps most of all I've learned to how treasure them, but still look forward.

We get to choose who we love or don't love. I vow to choose wisely, for once you've shared the gift of intimacy anything less just won't do.

I once felt less than,

Then I was half of a "we", 

Now I'm all of me.


  1. That was pretty beautiful... but then I'm always an emotional fuck-wit first thing in the morning.

    Self discovery and affirmation is always good though :)

  2. Sometimes people come into our lives when we need them, then go away when they have taught their lessons or given us what we need. It's hard to say goodbye to those relationships but the memories should stay. I'm so proud of you and who you are becoming. Learning to accept yourself and love yourself is one of the hardest things in the world to do. Good for you.

  3. This is awesome Stephanie. Sometimes it takes heartbreak to become the stronger person you really are inside and don't realize. What else can you do? Sit in a corner for the rest of your life waiting to die? No Way! I loved this post.

  4. The first part of feeling loved is giving yourself permission to be loved by YOU! I couldn't think of anyone more fun, crazy, witty and zany that I would rather hang around with!

  5. Loved this SO, SO much. I agree with Craziness abounds - "Learning to accept yourself and love yourself is one of the hardest things in the world to do." I'm pretty sure that you are well on your road to amazing things.

    And we choose who we love, hell yes. We have to be wise in the matters of the heart. That's what heartbreak does - the pain fades with time, the scars remain, but we mend ourselves. Mend and grow.

    Life is such a complex little fucker.

  6. Thank you so much for the kind words, everyone!

  7. This was wonderful! It's amazing to see how people can grow from experiences like that and become better for it. Very wise words!

  8. Those last three lines are utterly amazing! What a beautiful post.

  9. You're comment cracked me up yesterday. You will have to fight Elisa for Mr. P though. She has two girls one a year older and one a year younger that love him dearly. Have you emailed me? If not you should and I'll send you a picture of the little guy. He is so dang cute. Well he's not little. This kid is going to be the jolly green giant by the time he is done growing. They are guessing in the 6.4 to 6.6 range. I'm gonna have to take him out at the knees by the time he reaches puberty cause that is all I'll be able to reach. lol