Approved

This story is for a friend who based his worth on the approval he would receive from others...

He finally realized that he was enough.

His job was to hand out stamps of approval. It was a job passed down from generation to generation...each one thinking they'd do it better than it was ever done before.

Every day he'd sit there reviewing applications, sometimes hundreds a day. It didn't matter that The Stamper secretly wished to find another job, this was the job chosen for him. He didn't want to disappoint. So he thought to himself, "I'll show them that I can stamp like no other! They'll have to believe in me because I've done everything they've taught me and then some!

The Stamper was taught to only see black and white. His respected elders said, "Don't bother to look at the applications with color. You can't control them, so they're easier to reject if you don't acknowledge them."

"That's how every Stamper before me did it, so it must be what's best", he thought as he set about his work...but at night he would dream of painting his world with color.

There was one application that consistently was rejected no matter how many times it was submitted. The rejected application had an array of hues...each day it would submit a clever pattern of rich colors mixed with subtle hints of humility and  compassion. It thought surely it would be noticed despite The Stamper's inability to appreciate it. Its colors could change and adapt to the other applications in the pile. It was accepting and sympathetic with their lack of color. There were days when the rejected application would wear shades of yellow. The other applications would bask in this warmth, drawing confidence from its sunshine. The Stamper always stamped these applications with approval...and each day the rejected application would think to itself, "The Stamper will eventually approve of me because I gave my colors to make the other applications happy."

The Stamper did notice the rejected application, but knew better than to acknowledge it for it's bold choices and experienced palate.

This went on for years and the rejected application grew weary of giving itself to the black and white applications. Eventually its colors began to run out and it looked torn and tattered. It had to ration its colors. Each day it became a paler version of itself. Then one day the rejected application took what was left of all of its color and mixed it into a vibrant hue...there was just enough for one tiny blob.

The Stamper was late for work...tired, as he, himself had also grown weary after years of approving only the black and white applications. It was that day that he decided to take charge of his work. He searched through the piles of applications, discarding the black and white ones, hoping to find that lovely rejected application. He finally found it, but was saddened to see there was not much left to it. He delicately held the rejected application in his arms and admired what little beauty his colorful soul mate had left. He listened to the rejected application's story, loved it for who it once was, respected its courage, nurtured it, and resolved to restore its beauty.

He no longer wished to see only black and white. That rejected application taught him to see himself for who he was, and that was enough for him. It was then that he resigned from his job but not before placing the final stamp of "Approval" on himself.

What I Love Wednesdays

"You Gotta Like It!"

This for some reason was a very popular phrase in 1986/1987 - Freshman year in college. I was a little sister at a frat house. The guys at this frat house were your typical frat boys with a dorky twist...fit me great...I didn't want to be a little sister anywhere where I would date brothers...too messy. I had the best Big Brother, Bob. He somehow got named Godzilla, which was later changed to BobZilla and then just shortened to Zilla. I was BabyZilla. I had a lot of fun hanging out there when I was supposed to be going to class. Me being the goodie two shoes that I am did not get drunk for the first time until my Sophomore year. It was with Zilla. Rum and cola. I inhale soda, so adding rum to a huge cup made it very easy for the rum to hit....fast. We were at an intramural (sp?) football game. Zilla was a big guy and athletic...the other brothers...not so much. I was cheering him on and happily drinking my "cola". 

He ended up carrying me back to the frat house, plopped me into his bed, and then he went to the main room to continue partying. These were great guys...so no stories of being taken advantage of, thank goodness! But he did crawl into bed with me at the end of the evening...drunk as a skunk. No biggie as we were never romantic. But then he started making this swallowing noise. It was gross and he was stinkin' drunk.I had sobered up, so I went home. I heard the next day that he yak'd all over the place.

Whew! 

I love that I can remember that story all these years. I love that I wasn't there for his display of the contents of his stomach. I love that we're still friends.  

It's Wednesday, what do you love?

Write

I don't think I'm going to have time to post tomorrow morning. Busy work week ahead. I should be sleeping now, but I took a nap this afternoon and I'm wired.

I have some good stuff to report from this weekend. Picked Peanut up yesterday to take her to see Cars2. She needed some mommy time and I needed my Nut! Nobody tells you before you have a child the feelings  you get from something as simple as watching your child smile and enjoy a movie. The squeals of delight made my day. She also made my day when she said, without my asking, that she and the future Mrs. D or as I like to refer to her as the 5'2" stringy haired, horsey faced version of the P.A.N were getting along much better lately and that she was even being included in choosing flowers, etc for the wedding.

Also, I did submit my No Longer Welcome post to the lady at the Pondering Pool http://www.ponderingpool.com/ and received the most amazing feedback. It made me cry it felt so good!Susan, if you do check out my blog, thank you!

I never did hear back from the Tortilla Man. Surprised a bit, but that's dating...and as my Grandma Ann used to say "Two more will come in his place"...she was always so wise. I remember in college when she tried to broach the subject of condoms...and how important they were...because she was a "modern Grandma". That she was. Peanut's middle name is Ann, my Grandma would have adored her.

I went shopping Friday night for all sorts of kitty supplies (toys, her own litter box, a collar, etc). I planned on taking our stray, Catherine to the vet and setting her up in the guest room in my house to acclimate to the new environment. I didn't see her once all weekend! Pretty disappointed over that. She was so sweet...so I'll keep putting food out and hope she comes back around.

So mostly a good weekend. A lot of "in my heart" moments, a lot of peace. Couldn't think of a better way to end my night than to write.

No Longer Welcome

I thought it was the hurt that I so enjoyed missing. I could let go of the love, but I needed to keep the hurt close to home. I welcomed it many an occasion with open arms. I thought I was most comfortable residing with it. I decorated it with rich colors of anger and accents of loss. The good memories were stowed away behind shelves of "what if's" and "if only's".

The hurt knocked on my door twice in the past 24 hours. Twice! I did not solicit this hurt and it caught me by surprise. At first I welcomed it in like an old friend. It brought lovely chairs as a gift and we sat, enmeshed with one another, and laughed at my expense... And then I realized how much this hurt had been intruding on my life. I began to notice I couldn't sit comfortably in those chairs, and they no longer matched my decor'.

I do not need you, Hurt.

I do not want to miss you anymore.

I no longer get pleasure from your company.

You are no longer welcome in my home.

What I Love Wednesdays

When I was little, there was only one shopping mall in the immediate area. We shopped mostly with the change of seasons which meant we went only a couple of times a  year. It was Miami, FL. School clothes and Summer clothes. There was this department store, Burdines. I believe it was bought out by Macy's, but don't quote me on that and I don't always check my facts before blogging. I remember hating the mall in grade school. I so was not into clothes...but for some reason I loved the smell of brand new clothes...from Burdines. I always hated having to put the new clothes in the washer 'cause the smell would go away.

So, I bought a shirt at Macy's the other day. I've stopped trying things on at the store. I prefer trying on at home. It's sort of a game, really...How Well Do You Know Your Body? I'd say 80% of time I'm on target. Not bad, and always looking for an excuse to go shopping...so if I have to return something, I'm usually sucked into shopping some more. 

I put the shirt on and it came back to me! It smelled like Burdines clothes! I love that smell that I remembered from so long ago...and the memories that go along with it, of course.

It's Wednesday, what do you love?

Seriously?!

This is my catty frustrated and angry side. The side that's going to rip apart every poor soul stupid ass who contacts me via the dating site and has no business doing so. See my earlier post today for the warm, fuzzy stuff.

My profile says I'm looking for someone between the ages of 39 and 52. It's a simple request, yet there's always some 30-year old who thinks I'm a desperate M.I.L.K (substitute the K with an F), or some old guy who's lost his marbles and thinks he's Hef.

The majority of my emails in the past day and half have been from the old farts.

Most of the time I'm fairly polite, kind even. But this crap makes me want to throw up!

This is the profile of my latest:

Soft gentle kisses are they real or are you still dreaming??? Between kisses you hear me whisper “I love you”. A beautiful smile comes to your lips when you realize it is real as you wake up... Without opening your eyes you pull me down for the first real kiss of the day. Getting dressed is always a challenge because I am always coming up behind you and kissing your neck and shoulders and putting my arms around you... If you get to looking to beautiful I try to pull you back in the bedroom... You giggle and say I am going to get you fired... You can’t be late every morning. As you pull up to work you reach for your lipstick and find the note I hid there... Telling you how I had thanked G_d this morning for putting you in my life. You think how wonderful it is to have happy tears in your eyes instead of the sad ones you had in other relationships. At break the girls ask you to tell them about your man you call Clueless. You think of our little place with our horses in the pasture.. Then you think of us training your horse because I wanted to make sure she was trained properly.. You say that I train horses as a hobby. Then you remember how I looked in my tie as I left for my office and you tell them I own my own business. Remembering last weekend when we flew in our plane to Galveston just To have dinner... you tell them I am also a pilot. Then you laugh and tell them that I sometimes do standup comedy at the clubs..Then you tell them I am a man and I screw up sometimes.. But I try real hard to be honest and open with my feelings..... Then you get a warm feeling and tell them that you know that there is a e-mail waiting for you... But you are saving it because when something upsets you or goes wrong you open it and read how much I care and miss you.. Your man is romantic. As you start your car and head for home you wonder what I will come up with tonight.. Whatever it is you know tonight will not be boring... You smile and wish you were already home... Home with your man Clueless.

Who are you??? This dream lady... This elusive love I am searching so hard to find??? If you put average in your profile that means You are height and weight proportional. You may not be perfect but you will be perfect in my eyes. My eyes will see nothing but beauty because I will see the real you that is your heart and your soul. You are the type woman that likes to have fun... ... And you like turning your man on. You love sex with your man and do not believe in silly rules and do not have hoops for me to jump through or walls built up to keep me out. It doesn’t matter if it is the first kiss or the forty first kiss... When you get excited you don’t fight it... You are romantic and write me love letters too... You understand how important it is to a man to feel needed and wanted by his woman. You are the kind of woman that gets ready for bed and likes to look sexy in her little night gowns... Yet loves to wake up cuddled up feeling skin on skin... You must love to kiss a lot... You like to lay your head on my chest and listen to my heart beat. You must really, really, really want to be in love and be willing to work at not losing one single spark... You know how to make a man feel he is your hero... You share your hopes and dreams as well as your fears with me... We work together and make our dreams come true. You understand that we should make each other feel loved and special every minute of every day because that dream lady is the golden road to happily ever after.

Ladies, you're gonna have to fight me for this man! Especially after seeing these pictures (sorry for not clarifying earlier, I cropped his face out of the pictures):

Clueless

He will never get to experience me cringing at every thought of him kissing my neck or any other body part.

Looks and age aside, I just love when a person scripts your life together. How could I possibly live up to his expectations?

And so I say, "Seriously?"

For the Step-mom's out there

Melynda's recent post reminded me of something I heard in therapy. Yes, I go to therapy once a week. It's a group setting with one therapist and 8 beautifully f-'d up people I call "family".

Normally I wouldn't talk about discussions in therapy, it's a huge no-no. I think I can talk about this without revealing too much.

This warmed my heart as I have a step-mom and could see myself as one as well some day. "Elle" is in the process of a divorce. She has helped raised her step-kids since they were wee bitty things, often giving them more care and attention than their own parents were capable of. She loved them like they were her own. Her step-daughter went through all sorts of emotions when she found out about the divorce. The angry came and went, and then she made this statement to "Elle":

"She's trying to replace you and she can never do that!"

She was talking about her mom and, due to the divorce and the fact that dad travels a lot, the mom was now picking up and taking to places, etc. Now her mom has always been in her life, though there were times when she lived primarily with dad...and "Elle".

What a beautiful and profound gift she gave "Elle" with that statement! It was a validation that she made a difference.

My dad and step-mom's 30th anniversary was this week. She was my dad's mistress, so the way they got together hurt a lot of people...the fact is though, they're made for each other...and it's the numerous phone calls I've had with my step-mom over the years that leave me feeling closer to my dad (he's not a phone talker and lives far away). I have her to thank for that...and I tell her every chance I get. It took a lot of years to get past the pain of my parents divorce, but I'm glad I did. I have two moms out of this deal...and neither can replace the other.

Despite the fact that I sometimes secretly like the fact that Peanut doesn't like her soon-to-be step-mom, I hope she ends up with the experience I have had. Step-mom's can truly enrich your life.

So this post is for the step-mom's out there. Good for you for loving your babies like they're your own.

Working Outside

I've put on 15 pounds in the last 2+ years. 15! That's a lot for me. I've been junking it up at night, drinking sodas all day, and I consumed way too many Cadbury Eggs and french fries this year.

My arms are puffy, my face is puffy, my belly is mushy...you get the picture. Well, here's the picture:

I am never wearing that dress again...or anything sleeveless for that matter! I look at this photo and feel old. I wanna look like this again:

This is how I looked when I turned 40! True, my arms aren't showing, but trust me...I did not look like marshmallows. When I looked like that I felt like this:

Now I feel like doing this:

I am almost ready to put myself back onto a dating site. The problem is, this particular site asks for your body type. I'm not slender anymore...I'm average. Being 42 and "average" is tough...what I've found happens is that I get a lot of messages from much older men. Like grandpas! I don't get messages from guys my age +/- a few years. Most use the "slender" search criteria. Is this superficial? Of course! But it's also life.

Realize, that I'm writing this about myself. This is how I feel about me! This is heavy for ME. I'm hyper-critical when it comes to me! I don't look at other people the same way.

So 10 pounds need to go before I can call myself "slender". I've worked on my "insides" for the last 4+ years...The emotional remodel has been such an improvement and I'm proud of who I've become....BUTT!

Now I'm ready to work outside.

What I Love Wednesdays

I love Wednesday nights during the summer!

Why, you ask?

SO*YOU*THINK*YOU*CAN*DANCE!!!!!

Up there in my Top 10 favorite shows of all time.

Here they are in no particular order:

1. Judging Amy - Okay, this is actually my number 1

2. Homefront - Only on for a season or two...back in 1992, I think. It was awesome. Kyle Chandler was sooooo hot in this show! Ooh! I think this one is actually tied with Early Edition.

3. Profit - I wanna say this was a 1994 series...canceled after 1 season as well. Twisted dude, yet likable

4. Criminal Minds - Holy tushy ca-ca there are some really messed up characters on that show!

5. So You Think You Can Dance - Amazing dancing, right in our living rooms...and the talent show with the most talent...hands down

6. Ally McBeal - I so cried when this show ended...and I'm still searching for my Billy..."Bygones!"

7. The O.C. - Yes, I'm admitting this. C'mon! Ryan loved Journey!!!!

8. Hardy Boys - Shaun Cassidy/Parker Stevenson - 1970's...I still have a poster of Shaun...giggle

9. Nip/Tuck - Guilty pleasure

10. Damages - I can't stand Glenn Close in most movies...I love her in this show...Always love a good anti-hero...plus the storyline has me on the edge of my seat the entire time.

It's Wednesday! What do you love?

Award

Mrs. Pickles said I'd get an award if I posted 7 things about myself. Groovy. Here goes:

1. I was too afraid to do the Tarzan Swing at girl scout camp. It was a swing that would swing you from one end of a watering hole to the other side. It was at sleep away Mosquito Feasting On Me camp. I hated sleep away camp. For one, the mosquitos...and bugs...I don't like bugs. The food was awful, and I was always the kid that would get food smacked in my face simply for being in the line of fire during someone else's food fight....that had nothing to do with timid me!   

Back to the swing....I was hesitant about doing it and the camp counselors were less than encouraging...I learned at a young age how not to try things. I'm learning in adulthood that nobody gets to make that decision for me. 

2. I kissed two different guys on my 22nd birthday. Just kissed. Honest. Oh man, that was 20+ years ago! Feeling old now...well, not really.

3. When I was six I streaked through my house when our babysitter, Mike, was there. I had a crush on him...seemed like the thing to do. He told my parents....I got in big trouble.

4. I can't go to sleep without socks on...even if the rest of my body is bare...I gotta have socks.

5. I've never smoked pot or done any other illegal drugs...and I'm proud of that. I did, however, throuroughly enjoy the morphine they gave me at the hospital after having a growth removed from my ovary in 1997. Best night's sleep ever!

6. I was a card carrying member of Journey's Fan Club (I don't think they do cards now...but I am still a member of the fan club).

7. Fennel seeds make me gag...and I can't be in the same room with any food cooked with curry.

So there you have it.

Pretty vanilla, I know.

Open the Door

How did you know that I needed someone to reach out today and say, "You're in my heart"?

This very day?

I'm home sick today...still

...lingering cold. I feel lousy, and I'm falling behind at work.

One of my best friends left this morning...she was passing through with her husband on their way to Florida from Alaska...they stayed for the weekend...and I already miss her dearly!

This day was once very special to me. An anniversary that can no longer be celebrated (no, not talking about my wedding anniversary)...a date I can forget 364 days a year...but releasing the memory is not so easy on this day...despite that I have moved on.

I have always loved how it has felt when I can say, "I'm very much in my heart". When I am in that place I am at my best...open, engaging, joyful, vulnerable, real.

I didn't think I was up for that today.

As it turns out, I just needed someone to, for no reason, open the door.

Thank you, Elisa. Your random words of kindness this morning did just that.

Catherine

She named her Catherine. Not Sparkles, Sprinkles, Glitter, Blacky or any of the other cliche' names she normally chooses...

Catherine...cause that makes sense right? She's a CAT!
A stray cat.

A most likely soon to be adopted stray cat.

Wait! She's a cat, so most likely she'll adopt us.

I am nuts. The Peanut is definitely nuts.

I like the little booger (referring to the cat, not The Peanut...though she's a booger too).
I've already nicknamed her "Bumper" cause she bumps up to you when being affectionate.

Squash and Percy are going to hate us.

My mom is going to shake her head in disbelief.

My sister will never visit me now (which actually is a bad thing...cause I miss her so!)

So much for getting a dog.

I can't afford another cat.

I can't afford a disappointed child. Emotionally, I'm spent.

Catherine. She named her Catherine.

What I Love Wednesdays

"You'll love it at Levitz"

I remembered this slogan for Levitz furniture store from when I was growing up in Miami, FL. It was one of two furniture major furniture stores in the area in the 70's.

A couple of years ago I was calling a borrower to set up a property inspection for a furniture warehouse building. His last name was Levitz. Yes, he was The Levitz.

This year I scheduled the inspection and called Mr. Levitz. He set it up with a guy at his warehouse and I went out there this morning. I was touring the property when the guy told me that Mr. Levitz was 96 years old and still drove himself to work every day (thankfully, he lives close by)! As I was leaving, Mr. Levitz was coming through the door. I don't know why, but I loved meeting him...I guess 'cause his commercial was catchy enough for me to remember all these years, and the fact that he's 96...same age as my Papa Sam.

I love furniture. I was happiest when The P.A.N. would agree to buy furniture for the house. It's actually a turn-on, and if it weren't gross, I'd gladly whore myself out for a corner entertainment unit.

It's Wednesday, what do you love?

I Miss the Hurt

I often think of what to write while I'm driving out to properties for work. Amazing how the words just flow through my brain and then just hit traffic when I'm sitting down and ready to type.

So I'm sitting here...waiting for all those magnificently profound and deep thoughts to come back.

Sigh

.

.

.

.

.

.

I've had two amazing loves in my lifetime. I lost them both within a 10 month period. One was for two years, but long distance...yet I've never felt so deeply connected. It ended and another gift of love presented itself...and with that love brought a real promise for a complete family.  

The loss of love still haunts me every now and then...I've discovered that it's usually when my life is going along smoothly. I've been drama free where relationships are concerned for some time now. Even saying good-bye to The Boogieman wasn't all too difficult. It was a pretty clean break.

You'd think that I'd be happy to not have relationship drama, but as it turns out, I need it. I miss it! I know...habits of a Recovering Drama Queen are hard to break, and although I have a seat up front on the wagon, my hand is firmly placed on the ejector button. Do I miss my two loves? Of course I do! If Russell showed up on my doorstep tonight...

But I miss the hurt more.

What I Love Wednesdays

I almost forgot it was Wednesday!

I love that I have friends, both Blogger and live, who have my back and make kind comments about punching my ex in the nose... when I'm having a bad day. And I love using this line thingy-ma-jiggy!

It's Wednesday, what do you love?