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I'm a Recovering Drama Queen. I got tired of the same old lines.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Melynda, Connecting for Stephanie

I've asked Melynda over at Crazy World to guest post for me while I'm in Boston this weekend, and as usual, she did not disappoint. Melynda is one of the most genuine people I've found on Blogger. I stumbled across her blog several months ago and it felt so good when she "followed" me almost immediately after I followed her. I've been hooked ever since. Her stories are the best! Read for yourself...

"Steph ask me to guest post for her today and brave lady that she is she didn't put any restrictions on what she wants me to write. I'm not sure if it's bravery or insanity but either way she gave me the hall pass so here it goes.

My mom is a total card. I can't write this stuff on my blog since she reads it but she won't read this so I'm good to go.

Everyone seems to think that their mom's are crazy. However I promise you that mine takes the cake. She has made some statements that will curl your toes and send you into peals of laughter. When she says these odd things you have to stay serious until you hang up. Then it's show time at the 'ol corral as laughter pores from your soul like water from a jar.

Examples you ask? Ok here are a couple:

When my sister came to live with me almost two years ago we sat talking about some of the bizarre things our mother says.

Kelsey, my sister, told me that she started saying "douche bag" around mom a while back and one day my mom asked her if she even knew what a "douche bag" was..

My sister shook her head no. (she's pretty innocent. Well was anyway.) and my mother informed her that a douche bag was a rag used in BIBLE days to clean up with after sex.

What the hell? I died laughing. Who says that? I told my sister what it really was and we have been laughing about it ever since.

Another one of her statements was that at 60 years of age my mother apparently has never gone through menopause.. Really? She hasn't had a period in 9 years. Come on now!

One time inadvertently my mother was cussing like a sailor. I say inadvertently because she hears a word that catches her fancy then uses it without knowing what it means.

I would tell you the words but they were in French so unless you are fluent you wouldn't get it, but one of them translates fairly easily and this was her (in English) faux pas.

She looked at a kid that was acting up in church and told him to stop acting like a little bastard. My jaw dropped. I had to pull her aside and explain what the word meant. The kid was stunned and sat quietly through the rest of church so I guess it was effective just not appropriate.

Her new favorite thing is to call people "AH's" What this breaks down to in her trying not to cuss mind is Ass hole. So if she says

Stop being an AH she just called you an asshole and that is her way around cussing. However if I say Freakin she goes bonkers and informs me that I shouldn't drop the F bomb, and God forbid anyone says fart, shit, or crap. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

So after these few examples (and believe me I have a million more) I hope that you will all go grab your mothers and give them a huge hug. Tell them you realized the error of your ways. There are much worse out there."


  1. So, Melynda, you're hiding out on Stephanie's blog, avoiding your mom and letting us know that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

    Translation: I knew you had to get your sense of the ridiculous and your great good humor and your ability to find the joyous within every happening from someone. Lo and behold--the mother!

    Stephanie, you picked a good writer-while-on-vacation. Thanks, now we'll get to read her more than once a day!


  2. Little bastard! I'd love to say that to every badly behaved kid I see. This post is hilarious Melynda and you will have a new follower in just a few minutes. I hope you'll visit me at dumpedfirstwife.blogspot.com.


  3. Hey, Melynda--I'M GONNA TELL YOUR MOMMIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

  4. OK. First, go put a quarter in the jar.

    Second, my kids went through a swearing stage.

    I blamed it all on my ex-husband who uses swears as ajectives. But I always found out what they had said first, because if it was "hell" "Damn" "Shit" or "Ass"....

    Yeah, that came from me.

  5. Melynda,
    I want to frame this post! It is sooo funny :0) I LOVE your mother and can not wait to meet her. lol

  6. Then there's some kind words lady! Thanks for the opportunity to write this nonsense. Your a doll! As for the rest of you I'll catch you at your individual blogs. haha

  7. Yes, our mother's are spawned from the same special place in hell. Mine doesn't know I blog, so I'm safe. Any time you want to post something about your mommy dearest, please feel free to guest over at my blog. I'm pretty sure my readers would have to read twice to notice it wasn't me complaining. LOL!