Last Sunday night I let thoughts pop into my head and I replayed them trying to set them right. This led me to quite a frenzy. I searched old emails for validation that I was once loved...wishing the ending of that relationship stopped with those gracious and loving good-bye words...I re-read that letter, first time in over a year. I spent the night grieving that loss. I woke up tired, overly emotional yet hopeful.
I take myself to that place every time I start a new relationship, I know that about myself, but this time it felt different. This time it was more of a letting go. What started out feeling manic/crazy, left me open to feeling the pureness of healthy grief.
I was quite raw on Monday. I wasn't prepared for the meltdown at work. My job has been my one constant good thing for 10+ years. This past year I've found it increasingly hard to concentrate. Partly because I'm bored with what I do, but mostly because I'm depressed...so I sat at my desk most of the summer and fucked around. Work piled up, I just couldn't do it. Every now and then I'd get a burst of energy and start to catch up....then I'd go a week with barely getting a thing done. My reports were almost all late, which was especially bad because my workload increased by almost 30% this past year. I couldn't ask for help because I knew I'd be exposed as the slacker I'd become. A very big deadline was missed, and it caught up with me. My boss came to talk to me...this has never happened to me before...and I sat there and blubbered. He wasn't mad that I didn't get the work done, he was mad because I didn't ask for help. No, he was not going to fire me...but, yes, I needed to get my shit together. I've never been so disappointed in myself. Sure I could excuse it away, but not this time.
That was the scare that got my "mojo" back.