Last Sunday night I let thoughts pop into my head and I replayed them trying to set them right. This led me to quite a frenzy. I searched old emails for validation that I was once loved...wishing the ending of that relationship stopped with those gracious and loving good-bye words...I re-read that letter, first time in over a year. I spent the night grieving that loss. I woke up tired, overly emotional yet hopeful.
I take myself to that place every time I start a new relationship, I know that about myself, but this time it felt different. This time it was more of a letting go. What started out feeling manic/crazy, left me open to feeling the pureness of healthy grief.
I was quite raw on Monday. I wasn't prepared for the meltdown at work. My job has been my one constant good thing for 10+ years. This past year I've found it increasingly hard to concentrate. Partly because I'm bored with what I do, but mostly because I'm depressed...so I sat at my desk most of the summer and fucked around. Work piled up, I just couldn't do it. Every now and then I'd get a burst of energy and start to catch up....then I'd go a week with barely getting a thing done. My reports were almost all late, which was especially bad because my workload increased by almost 30% this past year. I couldn't ask for help because I knew I'd be exposed as the slacker I'd become. A very big deadline was missed, and it caught up with me. My boss came to talk to me...this has never happened to me before...and I sat there and blubbered. He wasn't mad that I didn't get the work done, he was mad because I didn't ask for help. No, he was not going to fire me...but, yes, I needed to get my shit together. I've never been so disappointed in myself. Sure I could excuse it away, but not this time.
That was the scare that got my "mojo" back.
Well, sometimes we need a scare to get ourselves in gear, but I'm sorry you had a difficult summer. Is it better at work now, I hope?
ReplyDeleteLove,
Lola
Now that the 'dreadful secret' is out in the open, you can take appropriate action to bring yourself back in balance. Your boss clearly values you, which is a positive, so ask for help when you need it and build on the solid foundation you have laid over the past 10 years. Just see this as a bit of necessary maintenance/repair work and take things one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the hardest things a person can do is separate personal issues from the workplace. It is so difficult but it CAN be done. I used to arrive at the door and tell myself, ok, for the next X amount of hours, I am not thinking about anything but work. And it worked too. We are all human and things do happen but you know what you have to do and I'm sure you will be just fine. Admitting to your boss the problem was great! Hugs and Love.
ReplyDeleteI ended up getting a ton of work done last week...and feeling good about it. Looking forward to more progress.
ReplyDeleteI've been in that spot with work before. It can be so hard sometimes--especially when depression is involved. I'm glad you got your mojo back though.
ReplyDeleteSomething similar happened to me to help me get in healthy grooves again.
Anyway, I'm thinking about you today. ;)
That's the scare I've been expecting at work too. I haven't been real good about getting my stuff done the last month or so. I'm glad to hear that you are getting back on track.
ReplyDeleteDear Stephanie, You know there can't be givers if there aren't receivers. We owe to others the gift of being receivers sometimes. Many of us go through life wanting always to be the giver. Learning to receive is difficult.
ReplyDeleteBut as Desiree pointed out in her comment on your last posting and on this one, we all need to learn to ask for help. Others will feel honored that we've asked them to take the role of givers in this Oneness in which we are all united.
I know, because you've commented many times on my blog (and that you for that), that you are aware that I have Meniere's Disease. I've learned from it just how little control I have over my life. One thing I can control is my response to the events and happenings of my life. I believe you can also. Meniere's also taught me to ask for help when I need it. Out of darkness came light for me.
Please use this opportunity to be gracious to yourself. Welcome the help of others and rejoice that you have friends and coworkers who want to help you.
That, too, is a gift.
Peace.