Working Outside

I've put on 15 pounds in the last 2+ years. 15! That's a lot for me. I've been junking it up at night, drinking sodas all day, and I consumed way too many Cadbury Eggs and french fries this year.

My arms are puffy, my face is puffy, my belly is mushy...you get the picture. Well, here's the picture:

I am never wearing that dress again...or anything sleeveless for that matter! I look at this photo and feel old. I wanna look like this again:

This is how I looked when I turned 40! True, my arms aren't showing, but trust me...I did not look like marshmallows. When I looked like that I felt like this:

Now I feel like doing this:

I am almost ready to put myself back onto a dating site. The problem is, this particular site asks for your body type. I'm not slender anymore...I'm average. Being 42 and "average" is tough...what I've found happens is that I get a lot of messages from much older men. Like grandpas! I don't get messages from guys my age +/- a few years. Most use the "slender" search criteria. Is this superficial? Of course! But it's also life.

Realize, that I'm writing this about myself. This is how I feel about me! This is heavy for ME. I'm hyper-critical when it comes to me! I don't look at other people the same way.

So 10 pounds need to go before I can call myself "slender". I've worked on my "insides" for the last 4+ years...The emotional remodel has been such an improvement and I'm proud of who I've become....BUTT!

Now I'm ready to work outside.

What I Love Wednesdays

I love Wednesday nights during the summer!

Why, you ask?

SO*YOU*THINK*YOU*CAN*DANCE!!!!!

Up there in my Top 10 favorite shows of all time.

Here they are in no particular order:

1. Judging Amy - Okay, this is actually my number 1

2. Homefront - Only on for a season or two...back in 1992, I think. It was awesome. Kyle Chandler was sooooo hot in this show! Ooh! I think this one is actually tied with Early Edition.

3. Profit - I wanna say this was a 1994 series...canceled after 1 season as well. Twisted dude, yet likable

4. Criminal Minds - Holy tushy ca-ca there are some really messed up characters on that show!

5. So You Think You Can Dance - Amazing dancing, right in our living rooms...and the talent show with the most talent...hands down

6. Ally McBeal - I so cried when this show ended...and I'm still searching for my Billy..."Bygones!"

7. The O.C. - Yes, I'm admitting this. C'mon! Ryan loved Journey!!!!

8. Hardy Boys - Shaun Cassidy/Parker Stevenson - 1970's...I still have a poster of Shaun...giggle

9. Nip/Tuck - Guilty pleasure

10. Damages - I can't stand Glenn Close in most movies...I love her in this show...Always love a good anti-hero...plus the storyline has me on the edge of my seat the entire time.

It's Wednesday! What do you love?

Award

Mrs. Pickles said I'd get an award if I posted 7 things about myself. Groovy. Here goes:

1. I was too afraid to do the Tarzan Swing at girl scout camp. It was a swing that would swing you from one end of a watering hole to the other side. It was at sleep away Mosquito Feasting On Me camp. I hated sleep away camp. For one, the mosquitos...and bugs...I don't like bugs. The food was awful, and I was always the kid that would get food smacked in my face simply for being in the line of fire during someone else's food fight....that had nothing to do with timid me!   

Back to the swing....I was hesitant about doing it and the camp counselors were less than encouraging...I learned at a young age how not to try things. I'm learning in adulthood that nobody gets to make that decision for me. 

2. I kissed two different guys on my 22nd birthday. Just kissed. Honest. Oh man, that was 20+ years ago! Feeling old now...well, not really.

3. When I was six I streaked through my house when our babysitter, Mike, was there. I had a crush on him...seemed like the thing to do. He told my parents....I got in big trouble.

4. I can't go to sleep without socks on...even if the rest of my body is bare...I gotta have socks.

5. I've never smoked pot or done any other illegal drugs...and I'm proud of that. I did, however, throuroughly enjoy the morphine they gave me at the hospital after having a growth removed from my ovary in 1997. Best night's sleep ever!

6. I was a card carrying member of Journey's Fan Club (I don't think they do cards now...but I am still a member of the fan club).

7. Fennel seeds make me gag...and I can't be in the same room with any food cooked with curry.

So there you have it.

Pretty vanilla, I know.

Open the Door

How did you know that I needed someone to reach out today and say, "You're in my heart"?

This very day?

I'm home sick today...still

...lingering cold. I feel lousy, and I'm falling behind at work.

One of my best friends left this morning...she was passing through with her husband on their way to Florida from Alaska...they stayed for the weekend...and I already miss her dearly!

This day was once very special to me. An anniversary that can no longer be celebrated (no, not talking about my wedding anniversary)...a date I can forget 364 days a year...but releasing the memory is not so easy on this day...despite that I have moved on.

I have always loved how it has felt when I can say, "I'm very much in my heart". When I am in that place I am at my best...open, engaging, joyful, vulnerable, real.

I didn't think I was up for that today.

As it turns out, I just needed someone to, for no reason, open the door.

Thank you, Elisa. Your random words of kindness this morning did just that.

Catherine

She named her Catherine. Not Sparkles, Sprinkles, Glitter, Blacky or any of the other cliche' names she normally chooses...

Catherine...cause that makes sense right? She's a CAT!
A stray cat.

A most likely soon to be adopted stray cat.

Wait! She's a cat, so most likely she'll adopt us.

I am nuts. The Peanut is definitely nuts.

I like the little booger (referring to the cat, not The Peanut...though she's a booger too).
I've already nicknamed her "Bumper" cause she bumps up to you when being affectionate.

Squash and Percy are going to hate us.

My mom is going to shake her head in disbelief.

My sister will never visit me now (which actually is a bad thing...cause I miss her so!)

So much for getting a dog.

I can't afford another cat.

I can't afford a disappointed child. Emotionally, I'm spent.

Catherine. She named her Catherine.

What I Love Wednesdays

"You'll love it at Levitz"

I remembered this slogan for Levitz furniture store from when I was growing up in Miami, FL. It was one of two furniture major furniture stores in the area in the 70's.

A couple of years ago I was calling a borrower to set up a property inspection for a furniture warehouse building. His last name was Levitz. Yes, he was The Levitz.

This year I scheduled the inspection and called Mr. Levitz. He set it up with a guy at his warehouse and I went out there this morning. I was touring the property when the guy told me that Mr. Levitz was 96 years old and still drove himself to work every day (thankfully, he lives close by)! As I was leaving, Mr. Levitz was coming through the door. I don't know why, but I loved meeting him...I guess 'cause his commercial was catchy enough for me to remember all these years, and the fact that he's 96...same age as my Papa Sam.

I love furniture. I was happiest when The P.A.N. would agree to buy furniture for the house. It's actually a turn-on, and if it weren't gross, I'd gladly whore myself out for a corner entertainment unit.

It's Wednesday, what do you love?

I Miss the Hurt

I often think of what to write while I'm driving out to properties for work. Amazing how the words just flow through my brain and then just hit traffic when I'm sitting down and ready to type.

So I'm sitting here...waiting for all those magnificently profound and deep thoughts to come back.

Sigh

.

.

.

.

.

.

I've had two amazing loves in my lifetime. I lost them both within a 10 month period. One was for two years, but long distance...yet I've never felt so deeply connected. It ended and another gift of love presented itself...and with that love brought a real promise for a complete family.  

The loss of love still haunts me every now and then...I've discovered that it's usually when my life is going along smoothly. I've been drama free where relationships are concerned for some time now. Even saying good-bye to The Boogieman wasn't all too difficult. It was a pretty clean break.

You'd think that I'd be happy to not have relationship drama, but as it turns out, I need it. I miss it! I know...habits of a Recovering Drama Queen are hard to break, and although I have a seat up front on the wagon, my hand is firmly placed on the ejector button. Do I miss my two loves? Of course I do! If Russell showed up on my doorstep tonight...

But I miss the hurt more.

What I Love Wednesdays

I almost forgot it was Wednesday!

I love that I have friends, both Blogger and live, who have my back and make kind comments about punching my ex in the nose... when I'm having a bad day. And I love using this line thingy-ma-jiggy!

It's Wednesday, what do you love?

The Miserables

"Mom, Can we get the 25th anniversary of Lay Miss Robbins?"

"Huh?!"

"It's a musical. I watched it with Mimi and liked the songs"

"Oh! You mean Les Miserables!"

"No, I mean The Miserables"

It's Not Just Me

Thanks for your last comment about Blogger, Julianna. BTW, how is it that you are not making those dresses for a living? Simply stunning.

I got onto the Blogger forum and apparently I'm not the only one having a problem with commenting.

So you all know, I wish I could comment on your posts...

Except you, Mrs. Pickle...I have to admit, I absolutely love your Oh-My-Fucking- G_d -I -can't- believe- she- said -that posts, but I'm at a loss when it comes to commenting...I'm resolved to be "me" when I post comments to you, so if I don't comment, just know you made me crack up...and I'm gonna keep reading.

Sigh....so much more to comment on....

I'm going to go eat a Cadbury Egg...that'll make me feel better. And I still have 8 left! I know, dontcha just hate me?

Blogger Is Not My Friend Right Now

Anybody else having trouble logging into Blogger to post comments to other people's blogs?

I've been trying since yesterday. Every time I have signed into to my blog, choose to Comment, choose Comment with Google Account, click...and it takes me to my gmail sign-in. So I sign in, and it brings me back to my comment...only it's listed as Anonymous...so I click okay to post it and it takes me back to my gmail sign-in.

Waaaaaaa! I've been wanting to comment on so many posts!

Blogger is not my friend right now!

What I Love Wednesdays

I talk to my Papa Sam every Friday night. We've been doing this since August 2000. It was right after my Grandma Ann passed away. I was worried that he'd have no one to light the Sabbath candles with and say the Sabbath prayer.

In the beginning I would actually light the candles at home while he did. This lasted for a couple of years, but then I met Robert D, and staying home several hours waiting for the candles to burn down was, for lack of better terms, a buzz kill on going out on Friday nights. I wrestled with this at first, but reminded myself that as long as I still talked with Papa, he still wasn't alone. I'm not a religious person AT ALL. I am Jewish. I had my Bat Mitzvah, but I just never connected with the religion. I'm more "culturally Jewish"...aka Non-practicing. We continued our Friday night calls, and I can honestly say that I don't think we've missed more than 10 Friday nights in the past 10+ years. I'm his Friday Night Boof Girl.

Boof is another name for kiss. When I was a toddler, apparently when I'd lean in for a kiss from Papa, I'd say "mmbooooof!" It was shortened to Boof...and for years my cards and letters all had XXX Boof Boof Boof instead of the O's. It's the special thing we share.

When I have Peanut on Fridays, we always call Papa Sam, I say the prayer with him and then put him on speaker phone so Peanut can sing him a song. We end it with "I love you's" and "Boof, Boof, Boof". Always three in a row.

The conversation almost always starts this way:

"Good Shabbos, My Sweet. And how are you?"

Sometimes the call lasts 2 minutes, sometimes longer. His hearing is not as good...so it really depends on how well his hearing aid is working. Most of the time now he also mistakenly skips part of the prayer. Always asking, "Are you ready for the candles?"...even if he knows I'm not home...and I say, "Ready".

I love that we have this. I love that he's almost 96 years old and calls me from his cell phone. I love that I'm his "Boof Girl", I love that Peanut will always remember this.

It's Wednesday, what do you love?

Drive-Thru Granny

So here's the deal....I'm a pay it forward kind of girl. Always have been....that and I love free lunch. Years ago a good friend and her hubby were helping me move. They expected nothing in return 'cause that's what friends do. We made our last run for the day and decided to go thru the drive-thru for something to eat. We had two cars and I was ahead of them...so I paid for their lunch. Simple gesture, big smiles.

I started thinking right then and there how much fun it would be to be the crazy old lady who always paid for the lunch behind her (assuming I still have teeth to eat this junk food with). All I'd ask is the cashier tell them is the "Drive-Thru Granny" just bought them lunch.

This morning I did something I don't normally do. I went to Chick-fil-A for a chicken biscuit...those things are sooooo good. I decided I was going to do a test run by paying for the person behind me. A police officer pulled up behind me! Perfect! Who better to buy breakfast for?! ....and I choose to ignore the fact that we both made poor nutritional choices for breakfast.

So I tell the cashier I'd like to pay for his breakfast....and off I go, feeling really good about myself.

And then I see the flashing lights....I'm getting pulled over.

Just kidding....

I won't be able to see their faces when I do this, but hopefully they'll remember and do some random act of kindness themselves...that's enough for me.

This morning's exercise was just a practice run for becoming the infamous "Drive-Thru Granny".

60 Seconds, Go!

Okay, I seriously could get completely caught up in reading everyone's blogs. You all are fantastic and I've really enjoyed your feedback as well. Each of you have a unique style and I'm sure I've only gotten a glimpse of who you are. I'll keep reading if you keep writing!

I have no time to post anything substantial about me at the moment, but just wanted to get that out.

You're Gonna Make It After All

Had coffee with a friend tonight. He pointed out something positive in my newly accepted "being aloneness"... There is a strength in being okay with being alone, and I am modeling this for Peanut. Leave it to Dean to show me a different way of looking at this.

I am more okay with being alone these days, though I do miss the connectedness that comes from being in a really good, loving relationship. I'll have that again, I know...but for now I'm okay.

Dean also decided I was the Mary Richards of 2011...or something like that.

So this is for all you "Mary's" out there:

"Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you, girl and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have the town - why don't you take it?
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all"

I'm Too Clever For This Blog

Dontcha love when you think you're being all original with an idea...and it turns out that you actually saw it someplace else, but then forgot that you saw it?

Well, that's me...I thought I was clever coming up with What I Love Wednesdays...as it turns out, I fist saw that on The Adventures of Cinderita's blog. Awesome blog, by the way...check it out under the blogs I follow section...I'd post a link, but I'm fat and happy from lunch at the moment and too tired to figure out how to do that.

Round Wound

I don't fit with the other ballet moms. I can't stand being in the lobby while they're all chattering about schools, their kids, teachers, etc, etc. At first I tried injecting myself into the conversations in a friendly, non-desperate way, but these women don't even make eye contact with you. It's strange, very stepford. Frankly, it's not chatter, it's cackling. The room erupts with noise when classes are switching over and it drives me nuts...like I gotta get Peanut into her class and get myself out the door before my head explodes. I got over the being friends with ballet moms a few years ago, so I know that's not the reason why it bothers me. They're not caddy or snobby, it's something else. It's like a time warp in there!

Last night there was an extra class. We don't normally have class on Wednesday nights...and it was at 6:45...being so late, and on a school night, many of the parents had to bring their other kids. I immediately went outside to hear myself think.

I was wound up over a busy day at work, super busy.

I was wound up over working late, driving up to Plano to get The Peanut, driving back down to Dallas to go to ballet...and then having the drive back up to Plano to take her to Robert D's. Fuming is more like it. If this were a soccer game and the situation reversed, I would have taken her without a second thought.

I was wound up after a 20 minute car ride with Peanut telling me how bad the soon-to-be new Mrs. D's spaghetti was. I don't encourage these conversations. I mostly just listen.

I was wound up because I was hungry...gotta stop eating early lunches and no afternoon snacks.

I was wound up because I breezed through my last menstrual cycle and it felt like I had Post MS yesterday.

I was wound up because Robert D pulled another switcheroo on our weekends...and worked it to where the weekend he has her, he'll be out of town and his mom will have Peanut. It's a long story, but she's pretty much not going to see her dad for 4 weekends in a row (I've got the first two weeks of June). The "Decree" doesn't work for her in this instance...and the likelihood of his calling me up and saying, "Can I have her this night?" is nil.

I was wound because I felt "little"...my dad never asked for extra time with us...and I hate (1) when I wind up about stuff and combine old and new feelings, and (2) when I recognize this and can't stop myself from doing it. Being self-aware sucks this way.

I was so wound that I actually said out loud to my mother on the phone, "I hope his plane crashes". I'll admit it, I have that thought all the time.

So there you have it, me...wound up...perhaps it has nothing to do with ballet parents.

Ever notice how wound (as in a boo boo) and wound (as in wound up) are spelled the same way?

Replace round with wound and this song is now in my head:

You spin me right wound, baby, right wound,  like a record, baby right wound, wound wound.... Kind of the Elmer Fudd version of this song, white?

What I Love Wednesdays... on Tuesday Night

Training an intern at the office this week, so I won't have time tomorrow in the morning to post. My job is not rocket science. I inspect commercial properties for a living. It's been a great 10 years with my company. I don't love the work, it's not challenging enough...but the people make it worthwhile.

I love that there's never been a day in the past ten years that I've dreaded going to work. No asshole, micromanager bosses, not caddy women, no office gossip, no drama, no inflated egos, no fear that I can't do my job. Work has been my one constant for the past ten years...and having that in my life right now is a gift.

It's the night before Wednesday, what do you love?

What I Love Wednesdays

So not into the feel-good, gushy kind of post today. I'm going with this:

I love that I had no symptoms of PMS this month. No bitchiness, no backaches, not cranky, not tired...maybe a little bit of bloating and night sweats, but this does not affect how I interact with people. For once I got to say, "Mom, I was pre-menstrual Thursday and Friday, could you tell?" and she said "No!"

There, it's that simple. It's the little things I love.

It's Wednesday. What do you love? 

What I Love Wednesdays

I can't believe it is Wednesday already! I almost forgot to post today.

More Peanut things to love on:

I love when she slows down enough in the evening so that I can sit on the side of the bed and we can talk right before she goes to sleep. We had a great conversation Monday night just talking about how nice it was to have that time to talk! At one point I said something to her and she sat straight up in bed and hugged me...it was something simple about how I felt about her. What did I say to her? I can't remember. My mind is blanking at this moment, mommy brain, happens more times than I care to admit. But I loved the unexpectedness of that moment.

It's Wednesday, what do you love?