Extra Weight

They played a marvelous game of tug-of-war.

Holding the rope tightly as they stared into each other's eyes.

He'd pull back causing her to lunge forward.

Determined not to lose her footing she did the same.

The intensity of their stares grew.

He raised one eyebrow.

She raised two.

They smiled at each other as if to say, "truce".

That's when they both let go of the rope.

They fell to the ground and laughed their asses off.

Glad to be rid of the extra weight.

Mountain of Words

This piece is for a dear, old friend who strives to be open.

Week after week he examined his surroundings

Trying to create peace with his environment.

How did he come to be in this place?

What led him to this point of isolation?

He was no longer able to proceed forward

For a mountain of words stood in his way.

Poor Grandma

I was doing some catch up on posts today and trying to figure out what I wanted to write about. Came across this post from Things That Bother Me.

It's titled Grandma Got Run Over By My Ford Truck

If you haven't checked out his blog, you should. He's got a nice writing style and is always funny.

And I'm still not writing about my date with "Rudolph" Bryan. Only because I'm saving up to write about our next date...which is tomorrow night and my heart is about to explode I'm so excited. I am jumping for joy! If I were a reindeer I'd be flying around the room. This man gives my insides the flutters. He is one special guy, and handsome, and funny, and a good kisser, and cute....

Now where was I? Oh yes, poor Grandma!

Cherished

Her beauty was the color of sunshine.
She was displayed for other's enjoyment.
She spent her life hoping she'd be picked and adored.
She watched as those beside her left;
Oh how she wanted the same!
How sad she was to not feel needed
Over time she aged
She worried at first that this would make her less desirable.
One day someone spied her amongst the others and gently picked her up.
She was certain this person made a mistake for the others appeared to be the better choice.
She braced herself waiting to be discarded,
But the person looked at her as if they found a treasure!
Wide-eyed and smiling the person shielded her as they walked to a hill,
marveling along the way at their good fortune.
Confused no more she let herself feel appreciated.
She was kissed and into the wind she blew.
She danced merrily in flight,
Finally understanding she did not need to be adored,
For she knew what it meant to be cherished

photo from tki-health-om.blogspot.com

The World Wide Open

This is the place
Where sadness can go
In quiet desperation
Released into the world wide open

This is the place
Where hate can take form
Anger meets frustration
Released into the world wide open

This is the place
Where fear can roam
Dividing a great nation
Released into the world wide open

This is the place
Where courage can break through
An overnight sensation
Released into the world wide open

This is the place
Where hope can spread
With a little imagination
Released into the world wide open

This is the place
Where peace can run free
It's ours for creation
Released into the world wide open

Very Full Heart

I watched this movie last night that I had DVR'd (greatest invention since Cadbury Eggs). It was called "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom.

Cheesy? Yes. Over the top emotionally? Yes. Predictable? Yes. Gave me a good, healthy cry? Yes.

The critics overwhelmingly disliked this movie.

I loved it. It felt good. We need more of these types of stories and movies. I wanted to be taken on this cheesy, emotional movie ride. I was okay with pretending I didn't know what was going to happen because I knew it'd take me to a place of gratitude. The movie/story comes from goodness. Those cheesy messages it delivered were all true.

I absolutely loved this part of the movie and have decided to share it in its entirety. The rabbi is telling the story called "He Sleeps in a Storm"

Here it is:

"A man seeks employment on a farm. He hands his letter of recommendation to his new employer. It reads simply, 'He sleeps in a storm.'

"The owner is desperate for help, so he hires the man.

"Several weeks pass, and suddenly, in the middle of the night, a powerful storm rips through the valley.

"Awakened by the swirling rain and howling wind, the owner leaps out of bed. He calls for his new hired hand, but the man is sleeping soundly.

"So he dashes off to the barn. He sees, to his amazement, that the animals are secure with plenty of feed.

"He runs out to the field. He sees the bales of wheat have been bound and are wrapped in tarpaulins.

"He races to the silo. The doors are latched, and the grain is dry.

"And then he understands. 'He sleeps in a storm."

"My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight. We will never wallow in the agony of 'I could have, I should have.' We can sleep in a storm.

"And when it's time, our good-byes will be complete."

-- "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom, page 93, From a Sermon by the Reb (Rabbi Albert Lewis), 1975

 

This movie was on the Hallmark Channel. If you have a chance, try and find the re-broadcast. It's worth it.

 

I went to bed with tears in my eyes last night and a very full heart.

Chicken

The Peanut is wound up. Nana Rose arrived today from Albuquerque. Mom and I are ready to crash, but The Nut is like a Timex watch. Wish I could say the same for myself.

I'll have a little more time to write tomorrow. It's going to be a nice Thanksgiving. I look forward to sharing.

I will leave you with this lovely note that Peanut gave to me this evening. I'm still scratching my head on this one and wondering where she came from.

It says,

"I love you like old men love chicken"

What You See - A Crappy Poem From a Mentally Blocked Blogger

I can't find the next verse,
I guess it could be worse.

I can't find my style,
Really, it's been a while.

I can't find the key,
Though it lies deep inside me.

I can't find my vision,
Decisions, decisions, decisions!

I can't find my prose,
It's gone I suppose.

But I have found me
What you get is what you see

A Celebration of "The Golden Sky" and a Tribute to Your Inner Child

When your child cries, you comfort her and wipe her tears away.

When your child screams in terror, you pull her close and make her feel safe.

When your child succeeds you feel proud.

When your child fails you offer support.

When your child speaks up for herself, you applaud her bravery.

When your child can't find her voice, you guide her.

When your child is giving, you receive it well.

When your child is selfish, you model good character for her.

When your child is lonely, you show her how to connect.

When your child grows up, you hope she'll nurture her child the same way.

This is your gift to her.

And along the way you may discover this is the same gift you can give to your inner child.

Today I am participating in “The Golden Sky” Blog Fest. Elisa from The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom will be publishing her book, “The Golden Sky” tomorrow, November 18th. I am so excited about getting this book. If you’ve read Elisa’s blog then you know what a genuine, caring, beautiful, unique person she is. I imagine her book will be just as compelling as the stories she shares on a day to day basis with us all. Sharing her journey of losing her precious baby Zeke was not easy, but true to form, she did it in hopes that others who have suffered similar losses would find healing in her words.

Elisa, congratulations! This is your time to shine!

To participate in the blog fest she requested we write a story as a tribute to someone we’ve lost. I must admit, I’m having a hard time with this post. I have been fortunate enough in my life not to have unexpectedly lost a loved one. I had time to let these people know I cherished them, I had time for goodbyes (a rare gift). The losses were sad, but not tragic. Most of my losses were of my grandparents and I still carry the memories of the times I had with them…they’re a part of me. I came from them.

Over the past few years I've reconnected with my "inner child". Much of her life was spent feeling lost, and that was no way to live. I grieved her loss. I had to learn to love her with the same love that I give my own child. Along the way I think I may have just become a better person for it.

Not Happening

I must have started this post a dozen times this morning.

I examined possibilities

Tried to find new angles

Found myself on the edge of something really good

I cheered myself on

Nope, that idea won't work

Got distracted...

Meh, it's just not happening..........

A Bouncy Birthday

Since many of you do not post on the weekends I thought I'd give an early HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout out to BARB AT THIS AND THAT AS I BOUNCE THRU LIFE

Her birthday is Sunday, November 13th.

Happy Birthday, Special Lady! You bring joy to so many of us.

Now bounce on over there and wish her a happy birthday.

AS A REMINDER, IF YOU'D LIKE A BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT, SEND ME AN EMAIL OR COMMENT AND LET ME KNOW WHAT DAY YOUR BIRTHDAY IS. :)

Perfect Unison

She grew weary of the way it mimicked her.

It constantly pointed out her flaws.

It distorted her truths in a way that made them unrecognizable.

She loathed how it would just sit by quietly without saying anything even though it knew rage brewed within her.

It remained expressionless through these rants, denying her the very comfort she was screaming for.

"Surely I can find better company than you!" she spat.

She threw it down and it smashed to pieces.

Overwhelmed by her actions,

She slumped down next to it.

Each broken piece sobbed in agony.

At first she laughed, thinking she had won

Until she recognized its cries as her own.

Bits and fragments of bottled-up tears.

She sat there and cried in perfect unison with her mirror.


NOTE: THIS PIECE OF WORK IS FICTION AND DOES IN NO WAY REFLECT HOW I CURRENTLY FEEL...QUITE THE OPPOSITE IN FACT (I AM HAPPY TO REPORT)

Dear Mom - A Random Notecard From "The Nut"

"Dear Mom,

I think I deserve extra desert because I have good behaveyer.

1. I lissen when you tell me to turn off the tv.
She turned off the tv because I told her she wouldn't get dessert if she didn't.

2. I gave you lots of hugs and kisses.
More slobbery kisses than I suspect Padded Cell Princess' in-law's St Bernard, Beaufort could give...and her hugs almost knocked me off of my chair. I had to de-slime my face...but secretly I liked it.

3. __________________________________________ "
I have no clue what she was going to write here. She didn't have time to finish it because I was ordering for the 3rd time to go upstairs and change into jammies.

Are You Crazy?!!!!

I had a relaxing yet productive weekend. It was a weekend filled with surprisingly fewer naps than planned and I even woke up early Saturday and Sunday (I love when the time changes!). I didn't have Peanut and went from Thursday night to Sunday night without talking to her even once (she was on a camping trip with her dad). That part was tough, and I was so happy to hear that sweet little voice last night. 

But at least it gave me time to work on a very important mission:

Purging junk from my household.

Not the sugary kind of junk.

Are you crazy?!!!!

Check Ups

My writing started as a way to work through some sad and confusing times in my life, a way to alleviate the weight of that pain...even if it were for only a moment. There were times when it was a desperate attempt to explain myself..."I'm not crazy! This is why I hurt!" . More time than not the hidden agenda was to connect, any way I could, to a part of my life that I missed/lost.

It got me through, a bandage for my boo-boo's. I'd wear those bandages until they fell off.

And I didn't heal.

Upon a lengthy self examination I determined I was merely covering my truths instead of embracing them....so I opened up those wounds and tended to them, like a mother tends to a scraped knee...gently, lovingly. I gave myself permission to repeat this process as often as necessary.

That's when the healing began.

Eventually those wounds healed...the scars were magnificent proof of that!

I continue to look at those scars often, more times than not I've been able to find some healthy good that I missed where the old,malignant growth once was.

Now I write as a preventative measure...check-ups, if you will.

Just For Her

She walked a thin line
Her soul gripped the wire for security
Yet her arms floated freely, open with grace.
There was no net to catch her
Not even an "Oooh!" or an "Ahhhh!" to cheer her on.
No need for The Big Top.
This was just for her.
She reached the platform
And turned around to do it again

Happy Birthday, Nadine!

Today is Nadine's Birthday!!!!

Nadine is one of my best friends. I've known her since college. We were lucky enough to reconnect in Dallas in 1999 (or was it 1998?). We are more than sorority sisters, she's my rock. I think there are things I've told Nadine that I've never told anyone else...I know, hard to believe since I put it ALL out her on my blog...but there are.

Nadine was my first official "Follower". She doesn't leave comments and she doesn't have a blog (though I wish she would...hint, hint), but she'll usually email comments to me. In many ways when I do get to see her, it's like we haven't skipped a beat. She's lived as far away from me as Alaska and is now back in Florida...but still feels like she's been here all along.

Thank you, Nadine!

And have a very Happy Birthday!

President

I haven't had time really to write a "meaningful" post lately. Between house improvements and work and child, this momma is quite wiped. The good news is,..... those sad thoughts looping in my brain for the past year + (okay, past 2+ years) have noticeably subsided. I'm not consumed by them anymore. I'm attributing this to some growth and the fact that I have so much clutter in my house as a result of the remodeling that I simply don't have time for the clutter in my brain.

Since this needs to be a quick post, I thought I'd show some pictures from Halloweens past.

That's me in the middle with the big hair....I was a Garden Ho(e)...hee hee.

2001

You guessed it, I was Dressed to the Nines

2002

This one may be hard to see, but I couldn't find any better ones. Peanut was a

WalMart Greeter! She was quite social at 1 1/2, so I made her the vest.

2004

I miss Ugly Betty!

2006

I was a Witch Bitch in 2007...Get it? Rich Bitch? I know...not one of my best

Every Liberal Democrat should dress up as Sarah Palin at least once in their lifetime!

2008

Gotta run...There's a beauty pageant I want to enter in...the winner gets to be President.

The Joke Thief

Good morning! We have a special treat today. Lola agreed to do a guest post for me!

So she hauled her bag of funny over to my place. At first I wasn't sure if this was going to work because my neighbors are O  - L - D, OLD (not you Joy Joy)...and it appears our fresh Lola loves to moon people...and I just put a window in my kitchen!!!! I took that chance and I'm glad I did for she does not disappoint...and my neighbors have been whistling up and down the block...seems our Lola really knows how to put pep in their step!

I now turn my blog keys over to Lola!


Hi! Hi! It's me! It's Lola! I'm not lost! I know my home is really WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME

But Stephanie very kindly invited me to be her guest postess. Being here at Connecting With Stephanie is great because I truly do connect with Stephanie. You see, we have both been married to passive-aggressive narcissists.


Since we have that little factor in common, I decided to write about my ex-asswipe when he acted as if my jokes were shit, but then "forgot" they were mine and told them as if they were his and he was The Shit for being so funny.


One attribute of the passive-aggressive personality is that the partner "forgets" things he is supposed to do, like, in this case, giving credit where credit is due. But it's not simple forgetting. It's a way of causing problems, like majorly pissing me off. I don't know if a psychiatrist would say my ex is passive-aggressive, but I think it fits along with a slew of other diagnoses. Hey, he diagnosed me and said he would see to it that I spent the rest of my life in a mental hospital. I'm definitely not in a mental hospital, so I think I'll spend at least a few minutes out of the rest of my life writing about why he's such an idiot, should be in a mental hospital, or at least take the medication prescribed for him.


Here's what happened:


During the last 10 - 15 years of my marriage when I discovered people thought I was really funny, as in You are the funniest person I've ever met, sometimes I would make little jokes or comments when we were with a group of friends. The man with the small penis would get this pained expression on his face and shake his head at me and sometimes even tell me to stop, whining at me in front of everyone to quit as if I were being incredibly rude and obnoxious instead of making people laugh. Occasionally, he would even make a big display of stomping away in disgust.


I found this behavior quite humiliating, but eventually I started saying, Oh just cut it out. Or in private I might say, Don't fucking tell me what to do.

The change in my behavior came about because I noticed that after I said something funny, two or three days later I might hear t.m.w.t.s.p. repeating my joke to someone else without attributing it to me. He acted as if the funny line was all his idea and laughed as if it were hilarious. I wanted to slap the laugh right off his stupid face.

His real problem was that he couldn't stand for me or anyone else to top him. I also heard him repeat other people's jokes back to them and act as if he had made them up. It didn't exactly win him friends.


Anything  I did, he had to claim he did it better.
Oh I used to play that, he'd say when I played my most difficult piece on the piano. He took piano lessons for a couple of years and could barely play. I took lessons for ten years and was already playing when I started lessons because my older sisters had started me on the piano at home.
Early in our relationship when I foolishly told him what my IQ is, and it's not too shabby, he claimed his was off the charts. 

He always had to know more than I did. Always had to be the expert on everything. When I told him about existentialism, he researched it and then claimed he had learned about it from his girlfriend.



That was the real killer.


As some friends from our religious circle said, He always has to be in control. He always has to be the smartest person in the group.


I have news for him that he will probably never understand.
No one is in control all the time.
You cannot control other people. You can try, but it will end in misery.
You might be the smartest person in the group sometimes, but not always, and you don't have to be.
If you were so smart, then you wouldn't have lost me. And P.A.N., you wouldn't have lost Stephanie.

Infinities of love,


Lola

October is Blogger Birthday Month!

Happy Birthday to my favorite

Reality Challenged Dreamer

though she's really not reality challenged...and what's wrong with dreaming?

Have a wonderful day, my friend! Make this your best year ever!!!!!

It's Cinderita's Birthday Also!!!!

Two special birthdays in one day!

Today also happens to be Rita's Birthday!

Rita, sending you lots of virtual hugs, my friend. You are someone special!

It's Soph's Birthday

Today there is another birthday amongst our bloggerhood neighbors.

Soph's birthday is today!

Happy Birthday to you, missy!

Soph always has fun stories to tell about dating and does great interviews (Yes, I never got you the answers for my interview....guilty, oops, sorry)....plus the girl can pick some great music to share!

Some of you may know about her 2nd blog, but if you don't, here it is:

Knitting and Vodka

Again, Happy Birthday...and many happy returns.

Window of Opportunity

Hello!

Just have time for a quick post. I'm in the process of having some work done to my townhouse...and everything is topsy turvey. I can't wait to post photos of the before and after.

Good news though, I seized the moment and decided to have a window put in my kitchen! My townhouse is so dark in the kitchen/living room area, it's almost depressing...well, it is depressing. I need light and bright!

It felt so good to have them knock out the wall behind the sink...sunlight poured through my little window of opportunity!

Happy Birthday Julianna!

Today we celebrate a birthday for a favorite blogger of mine. She was one of my first "neighbors" in this bloggerhood (aka, the first person who "followed" me that wasn't a friend!).

She has a wonderful way of reaching out that always makes you feel welcome. And when her writing is not leaving us all in stitches, she creating memories for herself, her family and friends...stitch by stitch (seriously! Have you seen what she's sewn?)

Happy Birthday Julianna at Surviving Boys! 

You're something special, my friend.

Okay, now you can click on her name and wish her a happy birthday!

Season Tickets

I'm usually a very patient person when we go to movies or live theatre where children are involved. I'm even pretty patient at restaurants.  Friday night there was a family sitting behind us at the theatre (we were seeing Oliver, remember?). They had 3 kids. An infant, a 4-ish year old girl and a 3-ish year old boy. The little girl talked through the whole thing, "I'm hungry." "Mommy, I'm thirsty". "I can't see" (they were 5th row and there was nobody sitting in the seat next to me, so she had a perfect view). Then she had to sit on mom's lap and mistakenly kicked my shoulder.

Okay, so I can handle that usually. But these kids did not let up! At one point the little boy smacked the girl in the face and more fussiness started (I didn't see this happen, our friend who went with us did). Then the baby cried...but they didn't take her out. They let her fuss, just like the other kids.

So I did what any normal person would do, I kept looking back with a stern look on my face. I didn't want to tell them to take them out, because this is after all, a kids show.

BUT....

This went on for THE ENTIRE SHOW....one hour of distractions. It was obvious these kids were too young for a show like this. Way too young.  I'm happy to report Peanut and her friend behaved perfectly during the entire show. Not a peep, unless it was to laugh or clap or whisper a question about something they didn't understand.

The show ends and we collect our stuff to leave. One of the ladies that was with this family overheard me saying that I hoped they didn't have season tickets. We do, so I hate to think of going to 4 more shows with this noise. She looked at me and said, "Is there a problem?" She didn't wait for me to answer..."they're just kids and this is a kids show"

"Yes," I said. "This is a kids show, but it was the entire time."

She didn't reply, but glared at me.

Oooh!!! I hate stuff like this. Chaps my tushy buns!

On the one hand she was right, kids are kids and they're gonna make noise at a kids show...don't get me wrong, I get this. I really do. My own child is not always perfect either...but those kids were above and beyond the normal kid distractions.

Let's hope they do not have season tickets!

PS - We did still have a wonderful time...and just as I thought, her eyes were glued to the stage the whole time!

Stay with Me

Tonight is opening night at the theatre I take Peanut to. We've been going for about a year and a half now.

I believe the first show I took her to was Cinderella.

It was magical! There's nothing better than watching a child's face when they are introduced to live theatre. She sat at the edge of her seat the entire time, mesmerized. No wiggling around, no, "I want a snack"...She absorbed it all in and it left her wanting to see more.

I can remember my mom taking me to plays and musicals and even live Shakespeare at Viscaya in Miami. I want to say the first memory I have of stage acting was a children's theatre near Matheson Hammock Park in Coral Gables, FL. It was a much smaller production than what we saw and the actors involved the audience in the show. I still have the image of being there (tucked away with my other great childhood memories).

I can't be sure that Peanut's first theatre experience will be among her great childhood memories, but the delight on her face will always stay with me.

P.our M.e S.omething

I have PMS so bad even I'm afraid of me. Well, not afraid...just cranky. Littlest things setting me off. We bought this stupid candy making craft thing on Sunday and it tasted so gross...not to mention it was a total mess. We threw it all away. Cleaning the goop was such a mess that I threw away the plastic measuring cups as well. Somehow tossing that shit in the trash felt liberating...even though now I'm going to have to buy new cups.

pour me some whine

The Peanut has trashed our house. Two minutes after she cleans up (when she cleans up) she craps up the house all over again. IT. IS. DRIVING. ME. NUTS!!!!!!

pour me a shot of anti-OCD

My allergies are pissing me off. Nose is itchy, really itchy...and my ears too! I need an allergy shot, but won't have time to get to doctor to get one until next week. Yes, I've tried all the stuff that's "supposed" to work...and nothing. Itchy, bitchy me!

pour me some benadryl

Woke up at 4am when I heard it storming outside. Great! Now that pesky garage leak is back. Damn flat roof garages! So I got up to use the restroom and laid back down in bed. Peanut was snoring away (Yes, she STILL sleeps in my bed...and last night so did her stuffed animals!). I started smelling something yucky and thought maybe she tooted.

Then I heard this squirting noise and it was coming from my closet!

BUMPER KITTY HAD DIARRHEA IN MY CLOSET!!!!!!!!

I shit you not. Thatdamn sweet little kitty has been sneaking downstairs and eating the other kitties' food...which upsets his tummy...so rather than using his litter box he decides the floor in my closet will do...actually, to be fair, the poor thing just can't hold it. So at around 4:30am I'm cleaning the steaming pile up from my carpet and tossing the blanket and jeans he soiled into the washing machine.

pour me some oxy clean

One hour later my alarm goes off...so I hit the snooze button...three times.

Waking Peanut up and getting her out of the house was exceptionally annoying. For the first time, ON MY WATCH, she was tardy for school. The combo of her dawdling, not making any green lights, and a carpool line around the corner and she was 2 minutes late. Boogers!

"P.our  M.e  S.omething "

I could use some silliness, please.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRACY

Today is Tracy's birthday. I won't tell you how old she is but for the next month and a half we'll both be the same age and I'm 42!

That's it,
That's all,
I have nothing more to write.

What are you doing still reading my blog?????

Go to Tracy's site and wish her a happy birthday already!

Apples

We walked in healthy that day.

Everyone settled into their seats as our session began. She chose us for this group, a bushel of apples ripe for picking.

It was good to be with my Thursday "family". We skipped a week, but that was to fill our bellies with honey.

For a change we each spoke of our accomplishments. The room was at peace as we told great stories of how we handled our lives... proof that we grew over the last two weeks. We were confident this was a sign that maybe we wouldn't need the full two hours that day! After all, we were in a good place.

"This is all good, but look deeper," she said. The smiles faded from our faces as we delved into the very core of our beings. We peeled back our shiny, polished exteriors and examined ourselves...once more...because she asked us to...because we could without feeling the pain of being sliced open.   

We walked out healthier that day.

Wimpy

"I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today." Wimpy from Popeye

I need connection with people. It's how I'm nourished. Emotions are a staple in my life. I count my relationships like calories. There have been times in my life where I filled myself up on empty relationships knowing full well I'd have to pay for the emotional deficiencies later. I became pale and listless.

"I'd gladly feel bad tomorrow for a connection today."

That person doesn't exist today for the most part, though I do have to fend off occasional cravings.

Thankfully, I'm no longer wimpy.

Must Reads

There are two very talented writers I've been following recently. I read what they write and say, "Wow!"...most of the time I say this aloud (is it out loud or aloud?...never can remember).

One puts color and texture to emotions.

http://edpilolla.blogspot.com/

The other delves into dark places that break your heart yet give you hope...she lets you care for her characters. I have to look at the tag to make sure it's "fiction" her characters are so real!

http://choicesandshadows.blogspot.com/

Their words come from a place I can only hope to find someday.

I hope you'll enjoy these Must Reads.

With a Hitch

I was in Tracy's wedding this past weekend. I got permission from her to post a photo taken of the two of us shortly before the ceremony. I'm going to let her write about it when she gets back from her fabulous honeymoon. What I will tell you is that she makes a lovely bride (and friend). I was honored to be in her wedding...and glad it all went off WITH A HITCH!

Get it? Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Beautiful Tracy...and me, wearing my chocolate "Truffle" dress

Peanut was not in the wedding, but she of course hung

out with us in the suite before the ceremony.

This is my new favorite picture of us, just wish it was

taken with a regular camera instead of my phone.

The Scare That Got My "Mojo" Back

Last Sunday night I let thoughts pop into my head and I replayed them trying to set them right. This led me to quite a frenzy. I searched old emails for validation that I was once loved...wishing the ending of that relationship stopped with those gracious and loving good-bye words...I re-read that letter, first time in over a year. I spent the night grieving that loss. I woke up tired, overly emotional yet hopeful.

I take myself to that place every time I start a new relationship, I know that about myself, but this time it felt different. This time it was more of a letting go. What started out feeling manic/crazy, left me open to feeling the pureness of healthy grief.

I was quite raw on Monday. I wasn't prepared for the meltdown at work. My job has been my one constant good thing for 10+ years. This past year I've found it increasingly hard to concentrate. Partly because I'm bored with what I do, but mostly because I'm depressed...so I sat at my desk most of the summer and fucked around. Work piled up, I just couldn't do it. Every now and then I'd get a burst of energy and start to catch up....then I'd go a week with barely getting a thing done. My reports were almost all late, which was especially bad because my workload increased by almost 30% this past year. I couldn't ask for help because I knew I'd be exposed as the slacker I'd become. A very big deadline was missed, and it caught up with me. My boss came to talk to me...this has never happened to me before...and I sat there and blubbered. He wasn't mad that I didn't get the work done, he was mad because I didn't ask for help. No, he was not going to fire me...but, yes, I needed to get my shit together. I've never been so disappointed in myself. Sure I could excuse it away, but not this time.

That was the scare that got my "mojo" back.

Old Friends

First, let me say a huge thank you to Melynda at Crazy World and Elisa at The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom. What a treat to have you guest blog for me! Thank you!!!!!

The trip to Boston for work to meet Juliana and to see my Papa Sam was awesome.

I arrived on Saturday morning. We took a water taxi to our hotel...so I had this lovely view:

Saturday night my cousins drove Papa Sam in from Connecticut for a visit. I was the happiest person on earth. Papa is 96...a little slow getting around and hard of hearin, but his personality is an American Treasure. So he walks with a cane. You don't need to help him get up...he does that on his own...but his walking pace is only slightly faster than my ex, The P.A.N., pays child support. This is not necessarily a bad thing. He loves to utilize his walking time to talk to passers by. He talks to everyone! It's great! And he'll grab your hand while he's talking to you...very engaging, endearing...that's my Papa Sam.

I was sad to see him go Saturday night. It gets harder each time.

Sunday we had a lot of free time before the conference started. Yes, I know this is the part you are all waiting for

Juliana and I met up! She was gracious enough to come to my hotel, so I wouldn't have to get a cab...and she showed me around Boston. We had someone take a picture of us hugging in honor of our

 Fearless hugger, Cinderita.

We then headed off for a little bit of shopping, lunch, and of course DESSERT! Juliana knew this fabulous bakery and we were on a mission to indulge!

We stopped off at Cheers (not the original, but still fun) for a bite of lunch. As we were dining, one of my co-workers happened to be walking by, so I shouted to her in the most obnoxious way called her over to meet Juliana. This is my favorite co-worker, Sandi...She's like a bonus big sister, and I often look to her for guidance. And she gives great hugs when I need them. I introduced the two of them and she went on her way.

We browsed a bit more after lunch and I shopped a bit and then it was time to say good-bye. I almost forgot to give her the last Cadbury Egg of the season! Thankfully she hadn't gone far. So she got the egg!

How I managed to save this egg without gobbling it up is beyond me, but I did, and it was consumed in proper fashion by Juliana (on the train where her boys and Tony couldn't have a taste).

Later that evening, my co-worker Sandi and I were talking at a dinner party. Someone asked me what I did during the day and I mentioned meeting up with Juliana and who she was (blogger friend). Sandi looked at me and said, "I forgot this was the friend you hadn't met before, the two of you looked more like old friends!

Catch Up

Good morning!

I only have a quick moment to post...so this is one of my "I can't post now, will post later" posts. By later I mean probably the end of this week.

Just got back into town last week and work is piling up on my desk.

I can't wait to share my trip to Boston for work and meeting 
JULIANA FROM SURVIVING BOYS!!!!!

Let me just say, she's every bit of wonderful fun and warmth that I expected!

I hope to post by Friday morning...and I have pictures!

Tootles!
Stephanie D.

PS - It'll take me a few days to catch up on posts. Haven't forgotten about ya, I promise!

Melynda, Connecting for Stephanie

I've asked Melynda over at Crazy World to guest post for me while I'm in Boston this weekend, and as usual, she did not disappoint. Melynda is one of the most genuine people I've found on Blogger. I stumbled across her blog several months ago and it felt so good when she "followed" me almost immediately after I followed her. I've been hooked ever since. Her stories are the best! Read for yourself...


"Steph ask me to guest post for her today and brave lady that she is she didn't put any restrictions on what she wants me to write. I'm not sure if it's bravery or insanity but either way she gave me the hall pass so here it goes.


My mom is a total card. I can't write this stuff on my blog since she reads it but she won't read this so I'm good to go.

Everyone seems to think that their mom's are crazy. However I promise you that mine takes the cake. She has made some statements that will curl your toes and send you into peals of laughter. When she says these odd things you have to stay serious until you hang up. Then it's show time at the 'ol corral as laughter pores from your soul like water from a jar.

Examples you ask? Ok here are a couple:

When my sister came to live with me almost two years ago we sat talking about some of the bizarre things our mother says.

Kelsey, my sister, told me that she started saying "douche bag" around mom a while back and one day my mom asked her if she even knew what a "douche bag" was..

My sister shook her head no. (she's pretty innocent. Well was anyway.) and my mother informed her that a douche bag was a rag used in BIBLE days to clean up with after sex.

What the hell? I died laughing. Who says that? I told my sister what it really was and we have been laughing about it ever since.

Another one of her statements was that at 60 years of age my mother apparently has never gone through menopause.. Really? She hasn't had a period in 9 years. Come on now!

One time inadvertently my mother was cussing like a sailor. I say inadvertently because she hears a word that catches her fancy then uses it without knowing what it means.

I would tell you the words but they were in French so unless you are fluent you wouldn't get it, but one of them translates fairly easily and this was her (in English) faux pas.

She looked at a kid that was acting up in church and told him to stop acting like a little bastard. My jaw dropped. I had to pull her aside and explain what the word meant. The kid was stunned and sat quietly through the rest of church so I guess it was effective just not appropriate.

Her new favorite thing is to call people "AH's" What this breaks down to in her trying not to cuss mind is Ass hole. So if she says

Stop being an AH she just called you an asshole and that is her way around cussing. However if I say Freakin she goes bonkers and informs me that I shouldn't drop the F bomb, and God forbid anyone says fart, shit, or crap. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

So after these few examples (and believe me I have a million more) I hope that you will all go grab your mothers and give them a huge hug. Tell them you realized the error of your ways. There are much worse out there."

Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I've asked a lot of you over the years and you've mostly listened, but my needs have changed and I'd like you to adapt to the changing me. Here is my laundry list:

I need you to listen more to the quieter voice that is sometimes afraid to speak up. She has a lot to say, but can't always interject when necessary.

I need you to take better care of my body. The junk food is making me tired, and I want to have the energy to enjoy day to day life. Take me on walks and remind me of the blessing to have perfectly good legs.

I need you to see the mistakes I've made have come from a heart that is still healing, still learning, still growing...and accept my apologies.

I need you to free my mind from clutter that doesn't permit me to step outside, or let people in...or even get work done on a busy day.

I need you to intercept the dreams that hurt me in the middle of the night and haunt me throughout the day. I'm tired of living with them, seriously! Please re-wire my subconscious...everyone will be happier.

I know you're trying your hardest, so I ask these things in the kindest of ways...I need you to like me.

Up to My Eyeballs

It's been a busy week as I'm tyring to get ready to go out of town for work (and to meet Julianna!). Sorry I haven't had time to post, and I'm trying to save the longer posts for reading tonight when I have a moment to relax and enjoy them.

Between cleaning house (mom is coming to take care of Peanut while I'm gone), packing stuff up, finishing up work assignments, and what has now turned into an egg hunt for that Cadbury Egg I put away just for Julianna, you could say that...

I'M UP TO MY EYEBALLS busy.

hee hee

Yeah, I kind of feel like Peanut did in this photo from 2006!

Eye Catching

So many of you have posted things about eyes lately. I found it quite hysterical that my stepmother sent me this email today!

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a


gorgeous Blonde sitting at the next table..He had been checking

her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..











Wait for it .. .....











It's coming .... .....









The suspense is killing you, isn't it?













She said ... ..:



'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Happy Birthday Melynda!

Today is Melynda over at Crazy World's birthday.

Go on, wish her a happy birthday, I'll wait.

And while you're at it, have a piece of cake or even a hot fudge sundae! It's Melynda's birthday, eat what you want!

Just don't overdo it, 'k?

Happy Birthday to one of my favorite bloggers (and friends)!!!!!

 

The Real Blogs of Note

I received an award from The lovely Jewels a couple of days ago. Thank you, Jewels! You like me, you really like me! (Never liked the movie "Soap Dish" so I have no clue why I'm referencing it here).

If you haven't read Jewels' blog please take the time to. I'm always amazed at her wisdom and insight...not to mention her terrific writing style.

In order to properly accept this award I am to share three random facts about myself with you all:

1. I love the movie, "Love, Actually." The soundtrack from that movie makes me all mushy and sappy (more so than my usual mushiness). It is my favorite movie to watch over and over...especially on a plane ride.

2. I won a blue, banana seat bicycles with tassels, basket and bell from The Skipper Chuck show in the 1970's (elementary school...I wanna say 1st or 3rd grade). It was a local daily variety show for kids. I got to sit in the audience with my girl scout troop a few days before and apparently my name went into a drawing. Skipper Chuck was very big on promoting the Jerry Lewis Telethon for MD. I remember several times ordering their "carnival" kit so we could have a carnival in our backyard (no rides, just games, etc) to help raise money for MD. My sister was usually in charge and I remember her setting me up at a booth so people could challenge me to a game of Connect Four.

3. After an emotionally draining post (or posts), I get a high from the newly found me...and then I get needy. I need you to read what I have to say. I need you to comment. I need you to accept me. I NEED! So I take a big step back because, after all, I'm never too comfortable with my growing self. This was evident after this past week's posts (Taxi Cab parts I-VI). I don't have Peanut this weekend, I have hibernated...I'm quite lonely, sobbing for no reason, vegging out, depressed by the very thing that lifted me up the day before! Emotionally exhausted by what I wrote. It was big...and I don't know that I can live up to it. For a change, I'm not waiting for a knight in shining armour to rescue me...but I'm still a ways from being able to pick myself up. So this is probably not considered a "random" fact about me...but it's me.

And now to pass this award on to 7 others. There have been several kind people in the past few weeks who have given of themselves via their writing (and comments). I adore these people. They're extraordinary! It was hard to pick, so I tried to pick people I'm newly acquainted with.

1. Padded Cell Princess - Sweet comments from a far away place, at times you feel like a long-lost "little sister", we are forever linked by our musical noses!

2. Dee from Coming Home to Myself - your ability to connect is a gift. Thank you.

3. Desiree at Driftwood Ramblings - you always leave the most thoughtful comments...and her photos are amazing!

4. The Minute Man's Wife - this woman defines what it means to be a loving parent. "Girl child" need not come from you to be yours. She is yours simply because you love her like she is.

5. Soph - she's fantastic and you'll love her great stories about dating

6. Light208 at Choices and Shadows - her fiction makes me want to write and write and write...she puts her heart into every piece, you can tell.

7. Maxwell - because he's not afraid to say things that we all think from time to time and his wit leaves me speechless sometimes...plus he's following Peanut's Blog and I don't have to censor his comments.

Seven is really not enough....really...so take a look at my list of "The Real Blogs of Note" (to the left of this post). There you'll find some of my most treasured friends.   

Taxi Cab (Part V and VI)

I got carried away writing this afternoon and finished the story...couldn't wait to share the last leg of her journey!

PART V

She saw him as much as possible over the next couple of years. Their relationship brought challenges to both of them, but the strength of that connection took them where they needed to go. It gave them direction when tough choices were to be made and new territory was explored (In all aspects of their lives). It provided comfort when they were not together. They gave of themselves in the purest of ways.

She grew into the woman she always hoped she could be, and he provided a safe place for her to do just that. He learned to remain present and vulnerable, resisting his tenancies for traveling alone yet learning how to ask for that time when he truly needed it…she learned to give him that time without feeling abandoned…never had she been more courageous.

The times they shared in the taxi cab were not to be permanent despite their best efforts. She remained hopeful, never wanting to look at the possibility of reaching different destinations. He desperately wanted to give her that dream, but relocating and uniting their families was not to be.

She heard it in his voice the last time they spoke, she saw it in his face as they said good-bye, she felt it in the way he held her so closely…as if he were trying to make that moment in time last longer. She lay still, wishing for the same.

Deep down, they both knew it was coming, the end of their journey.

They exchanged room in each other’s hearts when they said good-bye. Their words were warm and heartfelt…the beauty in which they said good-bye was a gift.

They continued their travels separately, checking in from time to time to reassure the other the love they had was real.

She showed amazing strength and courage as she set out each day, but still held onto that exquisite bag he gave her. She took it everywhere as she was convinced the contents she had collected while with him defined who she was. His love defined her worth.

PART VI

When she learned he moved on she searched that bag over and over, trying to figure out what could have been missing, why she wasn’t enough. She dug deep and eventually destroyed its delicate features and all that was in it. Dejected, she pulled her old bags out of her closet.

She searched for beauty in the first bag, but chose not to see it the way she did before.

She searched for her voice in the second bag, but the tone was not right and its words echoed a painful past.

She never did recover the third bag…the one filled with stale memories and old experiences…but those memories managed to haunt her dreams.

She wandered hopelessly for a very long time, desperately wanting to feel the way she did in that cab, with that man, clinging to that tattered, exquisite bag…and tormenting herself with the shame of ruining it.

She found herself on a park bench one afternoon, a gust of wind blew her bag off the bench and she chased after it. The bag landed on a street corner and she knelt down to pick it up. When she stood back up she noticed a taxi cab in front of her.

The window rolled down, and the cab driver asked her if she needed a ride. She reluctantly agreed, and opened the door to the back seat. “That back seat is filled with junk, you wouldn’t want to sit back there, trust me.”

She was about to open the door to the passenger seat in the front when the cabbie said, “You seem like you’ve been here a while and I need a rest. If I turn off the meter could you drive yourself?”

She hesitated before taking the keys. “I’m a little rusty," she said.

“Perhaps this will help you. A former passenger left this in the backseat.”

The cab driver handed her a familiar bag. It was the old and stale one she had lost long ago! She peeked into the bag and was amazed at what she saw.

The old memories were fresh and tidy, tucked away in a pocket of the bag. They had been cared for all this time! The rest of the bag was empty, clean and restored to its original beauty…She carefully put the tattered, once exquisite bag in the remaining empty pocket where it could be stored, but not forgotten.

“I think I know where I’m going now,” she said…and the cab driver’s eyes shut, but not before giving her a wink and saying, "You knew all along, you just needed to believe you were ready"

Taxi Cab (Part IV)

The next morning she leaped out of bed and bounded out the door. She had a plan...and out she went.

She left her bags behind that day, abandoning the burden of carrying them...her arms now free to welcome what the day had to offer.

"Where would you like to go today, Sweetie?" he asked when he pulled up beside her.

"Today will be a day of firsts," she said as she entered the front passenger side of the cab.

"Then you'll need this," he said as he handed her the most exquisite bag she had ever seen. It was tiny, delicate...perfect. He knew her so well!

They spent the day exploring new avenues, making love each time they arrived at their destination. The love was intense, complete, connected...which was a first for her.

They took turns driving that day, often getting lost...delighted in what they discovered along the way. They needed no directions. They became equals that day.

That evening she floated home...filling the empty space in her heart with warm light, happiness, confidence. She reveled in the depth of her feelings. "So this is what it feels like," she thought to herself as she cradled the bag he had given her in her arms.

Taxi Cab (Part III)

She thought long and hard that evening about the bag with the voice not worthy of hearing...and about the man in the taxi cab. The sense of peace he brought to her with each visit. She liked how she felt when around him. She saw beauty and depth in those blue eyes, his heart laid out to be loved. She wondered what it would be like to be closer to him...and drifted off to delicious sleep.

The next morning she gathered her bags and set out for the day's journey. She looked for that voice as she walked...hoping she did not lose it in the taxi cab. She realized that she had been walking in circles for quite some time...much like that voice had talked circles around itself.

The taxi cab pulled up and she got in. She sank into the seat with a feeling that his sleep was much like hers the night before. He drove for a while without saying a word. It was her turn to talk.

"I think I may have lost the contents of another bag last night", she said after clearing her throat. "That voice wasn't worthy of being heard, so if you found it, I hope you did not listen. Truth be told, I never liked that voice. It never expressed my needs the way I wanted it to. I'm glad to be rid of it and embarrassed by the way it represented me."

He gave her a smile that said, "I'm listening." She picked up on his cue and began to talk. She talked the entire ride, but the tone was very different than before. She did her best not to rehash what had "been done to her". She took responsibility for her life and her actions for the first time. Her voice was in harmony with her words and pleasing to the ear. Every so often she'd naturally stop and listen to what he had to say. The more she concentrated on truly hearing and connecting with him, the stronger her own voice became.

He drove her around for hours, until their voices were tired. The last breath they shared that evening was a kiss. A gentle and long awaited embrace.

She tucked her new voice into the bag, but realized the contents of the third bag were now gone.

"Wait!", she shouted. He turned around to look at her.

"I dropped something in the back of the cab again...Um, never mind, I can wait until tomorrow...it was old and stale anyway. I will see you tomorrow, yes?"

He grinned and drove off.

She knew the direction she'd take tomorrow and he knew he wanted to be part of it.

Taxi Cab (Part II)

Her mood changed after that evening in the taxi cab. She was quite certain that encounter would be important in her life and she hoped for the chance to repay that kindness in some way.

Losing the contents of that bag did leave her more at peace, but she kept checking and re-checking it for the ugliness that was once inside. She wasn't quite comfortable without it. She had been carrying it around for many years and wore it often.

She ventured out into her new world with a resolve to let the ugliness go. "I must not have needed it or I would have kept it closer," she thought to herself as she walked. A rush of happiness came over her. She stopped, just for a moment, to enjoy it. She walked along some more, the burden of the bags feeling lighter that day. 

The taxi cab pulled up beside her. "I've got time to take you anywhere you'd like to go", he said.

She didn't need to tell him where she wanted to go, he just knew. While he drove, she looked for the ugliness she left behind, but didn't see it.

"The customer after you the other night found this in the back of the cab. The minute I saw how lovely it was I thought surely it must be yours. I took very special care of it. Does this belong to you?"

He held up the contents from her bag. It was hers, alright...but it didn't look anything like it did before. She was delighted to see the real beauty that had been revealed...and started to accept that it just might have been that way all along.

She arrived at what felt like her destination for the day and asked him to pull over.

Her eyes met his and she studied him intently, "Will I see you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Of course", he said, "I'll find you."

She walked away, hugging that once ugly bag closer to herself. When she arrived home she noticed that another bag was missing. This one had the voice that wasn't worthy of hearing!